:: sweettalk ::

:: Monday, March 31, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

What a weekend! Kelly picked me up Saturday morning to meet Dan. After loading up on caffeine at Starbucks and gasoline at 7-Eleven, we hit the road about 8:30 taking the long route to Amarillo. We discussed and learned all sorts of things including Kelly's affinity for Dairy Queen Blizzards and for natural disasters, particularly F5 tornadoes, Norse mythology, the history of Santa Claus and Easter, geographical land formations, etc. We all still wonder exactly what an arroyo is. We stopped for lunch at Denny's in Abilene, one place Dan wanted to be able to say that he had been. We made a Blizzard stop at Sweetwater where we learned the laws of Dairy Queen-land (no two mixes allowed in the same Blizzard). At about Snyder, I awoke from a short nap to the oily smell of the derricks nearby, and we began seeing more and more mad cows (Dan's theory). During our discussion of Israel and the PLO, we toured the "Garza Strip" in Post. In Lubbock, we made a pit stop and changed drivers, after which Dan took a nap and Kelly explained metaphysics and his favorite philosophers to me.

We finally arrived in Amarillo right at 4. I greeted Tucker with a big hug and a kiss, and then we headed out to Palo Duro Canyon which was more beautiful than I expected. Tucker took us all for dinner to the Lone Star Cafe where they serve only 16 oz. ribeye steaks and hamburgers. Kelly loved that because he didn't have to make any decisions. We stopped for coffee and conversation at the Roasters in town, then Kelly and Dan dropped us off and went to their hotel.

Tucker and I got naked, had a little fun, and then talked for a while. I told him about how I went on the lam for three weeks before having my last drink and entering rehab and AA. He told me how he felt he had outgrown Amarillo personally but was tied down to it professionally. He spends much of his time alone and does what he must to make do. Although he doesn't anticipate moving anywhere else, particualarly Dallas which he finds pretentious, he doesn't expect to find a relationship in Amarillo.

After a few moments of silence, I said that I would like to be in a relationship with him. He immediately began to list all the difficulties and expense of long-distance relationships before I stopped him. I told him that I had only said that I would like to be in a relationship with him -- what kind of relationship that would be is up to us to decide whether it be friendship, a romantic relationship, or something else. We are the only two in it, and so, we get to define it.

I told him that it had been many years since I felt the way I do around him. When I am next to him in the car, at the table, or in bed, I feel a stillness, peace and certainty that I have rarely felt before. I think he understood or at least appreciated what I had to say. Nevertheless, I've said his very words before and have a sense of his perspective. During this exchange and by listening to and observing him earlier in the evening, I began to realize that he will most likely be an enjoyable affair for me and not a lifetime partner. At least for now, I don't see Tucker as being a one-man man, and even if he does want to be in a long-term relationship, I don't believe that he desires such a relationship with me. Remarkably, I'm okay with that. A little disappointed and hurt, but okay.

The next morning, I awoke at about 7, drank a glass of water, smoked a cigarette, said my prayers, and went back to bed curling up against Tucker. We both finally woke up about 9:30, had a bit more fun, and then showered and dressed. Dan and Kelly picked us up to meet Tucker's friend Doug for breakfast at the J&M Restaurant on historic Route 66. Afterwards, we headed to Home Depot to pick up some spray paint and on to Cadillac Ranch to leave our mark. It really is a fascinating monument. We stopped by the Big Texan to pick up some tacky souvenirs and witness the 72 oz. steak they offer for free if you can finish the entire dinner. Dan and Kelly gave Tucker a little toy '59 Cadillac and a card in gratitude for the weekend. I gave him one last hug and a kiss, and then we were on the road again heading home.

All was well until we hit the traffic of one hundred thousand spectators leaving the Texas Motor Speedway north of Fort Worth. We finally arrived home a little after 9. Boy, did I get a good night's sleep.

Now, off to work.

:: Kyle 6:44 AM 0 comments
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