:: sweettalk ::

:: Tuesday, March 25, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Ugggh. I wrote so much already in an earlier attempt and lost it, so here goes again.

I replied to the letter Frank sent me along with my birthday card. Frank was my last serious boyfriend and broke up with me back in the fall of 1999. I sent Holly and Michael a thank you note for the Oscar party. Holly called during the day to say that she loved the little pink outfit I gave Katie and that Lauren enjoyed unwrapping it very much. I think it's going to be Katie's Easter outfit. That was nice of her.

I was right yesterday about paying for my lack of sleep later in the day. I could barely keep my head up after lunch. I kept getting up and walking around, getting water, smoking, anything to keep awake. It reminded me of the feeling I had on those days long ago when I'd go into work without any sleep at all after staying up all night drinking, doing coke, and smoking way too many cigarettes. Thank God I don't have to do that any more.

Picked up some coffee, deoderant, and Sudafed at Eckerd before the 6 o'clock. Greg H chaired the meeting. Besides being so strikingly handsome, he has such a sweet spirit. I enjoyed getting to know him a bit when he and Tim T and I had dinner together a couple of months back. He was celebrating two years of sobriety. That is amazing! I congratulated him afterwards and told him how pleasing it was to see him chair a meeting because I remembered a time when he had a difficult time sitting through an entire meeting. He's definitely come a long way.

The topic of the meeting was gratitude. During the meeting, I realized that the things for which I am grateful are not the things I for which I strove when I was a younger. My gratitude list consists of people, experiences, feelings, and the capacity to feel my feelings and to live through them. As Dan says, "Feelings can't kill you" although it sometimes feels that way. I'm also grateful that I'm beginning to learn to care for the things I do have - things like my sobriety, my health, my friends and family, my apartment, my car, my clothes, my work, and most importantly, my relationship with God. In this way, I get a glimpse of the care of God into which we make a decision to turn our will and our lives in the Third Step. I was also reminded of something David D always says, "If I don't appreciate the things that I already have, why would I expect God to give me anything more?" Touche, David.

I didn't go to Lucky's with guys after the meeting because I needed to make some phone calls. I called Charlie S and left a message to set up our initial sponsor meeting. He just called back and we're going to meet after the men's meeting a week from Saturday. Charlie's been sober since '76, I believe, and I think he'll be good for me. I didn't realize he had a partner, but I'm glad because it'll be good for me to learn how to be in a long-lasting relationship should I find one. His accent sounds familiar; maybe it's an old Dallas accent or maybe East or West Texas. I'm sure I'll find out. Anyway, he seems like a great guy, and I'll enjoy getting to know him.

Then I called Chris the apartment manager to take a look at the toilet and bathroom sink before the guys come over next week. He said he'd come by today. What a miracle! For so many years, I've lived in fear of my landlording seeing my place because of the way I'd been living in it. Now I can open my home up to him with no hesitation.

I returned Chad C's call from Sunday night. Chad is my sister sponsee who moved to New York last Fourth of July. He seems to be loving it there and feels as if he were always meant to live there. He's co-chairing a group up there now and is hoping to get down here for the Big D Roundup. Maybe I'll have to go this year. We'll see. Anyway, it was great catching up with him.

I called Tucker who said he was just about to give me a call. I told him that I had talked to Dan and that we were on for this weekend but that Kelly G is going to come with us as well. He was so gracious and offered to put up everyone at his place although I don't think Dan is planning to stay there and has already asked where to find the Ritz-Carlton in Amarillo. ;-) Tucker said any friends of mine were welcome and asked if he needed to get anything for us. I asked if he meant mints for our pillows, and he replied that he would make sure he had minty-fresh breath and lay on MY pillow. I can't wait! He's a doll.

Afterwards I heated up one of the honey-roasted chicken breasts and made some brown rice for dinner and then changed and began cleaning the hallway baseboards and the bathroom. It already looks and smells so much better. By 11:30, I was too tired to sleep, so I logged onto gay.com and in the POZ room, I saw a pic and profile that resembled someone from Lambda whom I had met recently. It turned out to be him, and we chatted for a while. He had recently relapsed and had moved away from Dallas back home. Very nice guy. I had first met him at Bill S' birthday party and remember being very attracted to him in a scary kind of way. It figures; he was only three months sober at the time. The sick ones always get our attention. He seems to be doing okay now. Hope he makes it. Not many of us do.

I checked my sweettalk email and saw that I received the nicest note from Harry P in our group. He had been referred to my blog through Theo's, and it sounds like he read the whole thing. He had some encouraging things to say about what's going on with Tucker and Dan. I like Harry.

I finally headed to bed, read a bit more, and awoke this morning. Another day, another dollar.

:: Kyle 6:39 AM 0 comments
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