:: sweettalk ::

:: Monday, March 10, 2003 ::

This is my first post to this weblog. I find it so much easier to type now than write, and often being at my computer, I think I will journal more often.

I awoke early this morning with the words of Virginia Woolf from The Hours still ringing in my head after seeing the movie on Friday night. "You cannot find peace by avoiding life." How often I have tried exactly that, particularly in the past few years. But life seems to be beginning anew.

Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. I never expected to live past 35. I try not to say that too often because it seems overly melodramatic, as oxymoronic as that is, but it's true. Life has definitely been a challenge, and much of it my own making.

When I found out I was HIV+ in August 1990, I thought I had five to ten years at most. So when I actually lived past those ten years, I was genuinely surprised.

However, at just about the same time, after suffering one more round of blows of personal and professional disappointments, I retreated. Working under the theory that to minimize the stress and pain that I seemed to receive from others, I should minimize my contact with them, I did just that. But that's not life, that's just existing, or even more so, enduring.

Today, it seems as if there is a whole wide world of opportunities awaiting and I'm just beginning to get a glimpse of them. I don't know what is yet to come but am somewhat comfortable in the ambiguity. I finally have the feeling that I wished for long ago - that things are getting better instead of the constant sense of impending doom I carried inside so long.

Anyway, we'll see how this goes. It'll be interesting, at the least.

:: Kyle 5:22 AM 0 comments
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