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:: Wednesday, April 30, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices. -- Paul Tournier, "The Meaning of Persons", Harper, 1957

Something is amiss, and I can't quite put my finger on what. Nothing is at it should be, at least in my mind. I awoke earlier than usual this morning with red, swollen eyes from my allergies. My bank and credit card accounts are scraping the bottom of the barrel. Everything seems out of control with fixed assets at work, and this project seems as if it never going to end. Dan is leaving for DC tomorrow. My new sponsee hasn't called in over a week. Wah, wah, wah, wah wah!

Okay, the Tenth Step in the Twelve and Twelve tells us "to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink. It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. Under these conditions, the pains of failure are converted into assets. Out of them we receive the stimulation we need to go forward."

So, what went right yesterday?

My knee was less sore and my allergies were better yesterday. They both feel better now than they did only an hour ago. And overall, my health is better than it has been in many years. My HIV viral load is undetectable. My Hep B viral load has come down from 10 billion copies to 10 million and will probably be even lower when I see the doctor next week. My cholesterol is down from 356 to normal. I believe my weight is down, or at least my girth seems to be down somewhat. Progress, not perfection.

Yesterday at work, I associated almost all the first quarter fixed asset invoices with their respective capital projects. I practiced restraint of pen and tongue in not sending another nasty email to the people in India although I wanted to. We have an opportunity to discuss the project with them during our conference call today. Laura at Accountemps and Doug and Lisa at GE are all very supportive of my work. I referred two people looking for work to RHI yesterday. I bought lunch for the security guard since she couldn't leave her desk. Misty told me that she loved the picadillo I brought for her last week, and we printed the recipe fo her.

I have a new AA sponsor Charlie available if I would only use him. I had an opportunity to see Dan and a bunch of friends at one last farewell dinner for him at Thai Nipa last night. I can't control when and if my sponsee calls or stays sober. I have the love and support of the other Rebellion Dogs.

I have enough to eat today, clean clothes to wear, a roof over my head, and a paycheck coming tomorrow. My old roommate Stephanie called yesterday to thank me for her birthday flowers. She also told me that she and Scott are getting married in the Caribbean this summer. What a surprise! I thought Steph was dead-set against marriage.

When I look at it this way, everything is as it should be.

Thank You God.

:: Kyle 5:21 AM 0 comments
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