:: sweettalk ::

:: Friday, April 04, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

I just woke up dreaming about my friends from high school who've been emailing me lately about our 20th year reunion coming up with some of the cast and the script of The Big Chill mixed in as well. In fact, that's what I was dreaming about when I awoke -- trying to remember for what they were all gathered and who was in the movie. I think that was probably my favorite movie of William Hurt, and he was dead so that gives you an idea of my fondness for him. I also had the feeling that everyone was waiting for me to offer my parents' house in Arlington for the get-together they're trying organize because I hosted so many parties in high school, but I'm not up for that.

Last night on my way home, I ran into Jan aka porn star Chris Steele at the 7-Eleven. Prior to his acting career, Jan tended bar at Moby Dick. I didn't know that he still lived in Dallas.

Seeing Jan started me thinking about Bobby, the guy who infected me with HIV in the summer of 1990. In my drinking days, at least in that year, I frequented a bar called The Trestle because I knew no one there and seedy things happened in the back rooms. One night, I met Bobby and his friend Mark playing pool, and the three of us began hanging out over that summer. I particularly remember often lounging in the pool at Bobby's little apartment complex off Mahana and drinking tons of beer. Man, that boy could drink! Being a good alcoholic, I tried to keep up, but I was no match for him.

We'd go out some and had sex frequently, but I would not call us boyfriends because he wouldn't have. We'd go to JR's every once in a while which was probably quite often because I drank every day back then. One day, a friend of mine asked me how it felt to be dating a porn star, and I didn't know about what or whom he was asking. He told me that the guy I had been with all summer was Christopher Lance from The Young & The Hung and The Other Side of Aspen 2.

I asked Bobby about it, and he told me it was true. He also told me about his affair with David Geffen and many other things I don't remember nor do I know whether or not they were true; however, I do remember finding all of this very exciting. I had never known a real-life porn star before much less had sex with one. The one thing I definitely remember not being true was when Bobby wanted to top me without a condom, I asked if he was positive, and he said "No", so I let him.

I hadn't learned yet that men will say and do anything for sex. I hadn't learned yet that all those men with whom I had sex were not after me, they were after sex. I do know that he's who infected me because in those days I was strictly a top and only bottomed under duress because it hurt too much. I had only bottomed a couple of times years before, we had used protection, and I had been tested a year earlier. That summer, I remember having night sweats and other symptoms of sero-conversion, and I tested HIV+ on August 9, 1990.

That fall, I began the MBA program at SMU once again having taken a mental health withdrawal the previous two semesters. I cut back on drinking some to focus on school and didn't see Bobby as much for a while. He later moved to Houston, and I learned from his old friend Mark that he had become very ill. Bobby and I had dinner one night a few years later when he was back in Dallas, and for some reason, I was never angry with him for infecting me. I don't even remember if we discussed it that evening, but we both knew.

In 1994, Bobby died at Parkland after having been stabbed to death during a lovers' quarrel.

:: Kyle 2:15 AM 0 comments
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