:: sweettalk ::

:: Wednesday, April 09, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C -- Cookie Monster, Sesame Street

Yesterday was one of those days when everything seemed relatively easy. As I expected, staying up so late the two previous nights caught up with me, but overall it was a very enjoyable day.

I awoke, said my prayers, made some coffee, and watered my new wildflower garden. At work, we were finally able to find an answer to one of our huge fixed asset process questions. We now know how we may set up the purchasing system to automatically direct all capital projects to one of the fixed asset accounts. I'm not sure that the people at GE know how profound an effect that will have on them and their workloads. In the afternoon, I was able to clear some more items in the 052300 recon, and Doug knows something about the some of the remainder. At the very least, it is obvious to me that there were a couple of "hiccups" in their systems in June and August of last year.

After work, I came home to find a card left at my front door congratulating me on eight years of sobriety. Unfortunately, I don't know from whom it came. It begins with "Dearest Kyle" and is signed by "Da...." I called David from my study group and Dad because they are the only two of whom I can think that might have left it.

I cleaned my french door windows, pulled some weeds in the garden, and read my book before my old therapist Joan came by at 7 for dinner. We went down to Green Papaya for Vietnamese food and a very good visit. My five years of therapy with her were very, very beneficial. Without her, I don't know that I would have stayed sober much less survived.

We each remembered things that the other had shared that had stayed with us. She remembered my description of the shame spiral that has assisted her in helping her clients. It goes like this: Something happens that we don't want to deal with, so we want to eat a "cookie" to avoid thinking about it and numb the feelings that the "happening" has produced in us. We then engage in this internal debate of "I want the cookie", "I don't want the cookie", "I need the cookie", "I shouldn't have the cookie", "I'm bad for wanting the cookie", until we may have totally forgotten the original thing that happened but are all the worse for it.

I remembered how she had tried to get me to extend my time horizon beyond six months because ever since I found out that I was HIV+, I expected to live a very short time. She recommended Sierra Tucson to my parents for rehab after I returned from being on the lam. She is a very wonderful person. I'm glad to have known her.

We came back to my place and sat and smoked cigarettes and talked. I checked my email, read some more, and fell asleep about midnight.

Now, it looks like it's going to be another beautiful day. I'm so glad I'm here to enjoy it.

:: Kyle 6:52 AM 0 comments
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