:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, April 12, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?
-- Carly Simon

Vanity is the fear of appearing original: it is thus a lack of pride, but not necessarily a lack of originality. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Yesterday ended up being a pretty good day. For one thing, I felt much better. Perhaps I had been tired or constipated. Regardless, I feel much better this morning.

Work was good. I think I've figured out a way to get this 052300 Account down to the fewest number of transactions that constitute the balance. If I can do that by the time I leave GE, I'll be pleased.

Claire called. She was worrying about something or other. I can tell that we'll have that in common, and perhaps that's the area in which God wants me to grow next.

I didn't leave work until 6, and I needed to pick up my meds at StatScript, so I missed the meeting at Lambda. I came home, cooked some hot dogs, and sat down to watch Mister Sterling, my new favorite TV show that I rarely get to see. Unfortunately, it was not on last night; another lame talent show was on instead.

I really began to feel better when Tucker from Amarillo called. It's funny how things like this work, but once I resolve things in my head and heart, my expectations become so low that every action of the object of my desire becomes a pleasant surprise. Tucker told me he was naked and asked if I was naked, too. (I was not but wished to be -- with him.) I asked about his new platinum blonde hair, and he told me how his scalp had scabbed and fallen off. I reminded him of the wisdom of Theo: "Pain makes you beautiful." I told him about my week, about planting my garden, and about how I would not make a good farmer. Nevertheless, I had planted the wildflower seeds in time for the favorable moon in the Farmer's Almanac. He told me that his grandmother always went by the moon, too.

We talked about his friend who's having a tough time because his niece and nephew started questioning his sexuality and would prefer not to be around him anymore. I shared my experience in coming out to my family, and Tucker told me his. We both hoped that the friend's niece and nephew were merely reacting and would not permanently remove themselves from his life. We'll see. Anyway, I was so glad he called and told him so at least a couple of times. I need to figure out a time when I can go back out there and be naked with him.

At 10, I drove to the bank to get some cash, came back home, and walked a couple of blocks up to After Dark on Cedar Springs. Adeleine from work, her boyfriend John, and their gay friend Bill were already there sitting at the bar.

First of all, the place was great - one of those narrow, well-lit bars with pictures of Judy Garland and the Rat Pack on the walls.

Secondly, the band Robin Banks and her Blues Extravaganza was extraordinary!

Finally, Bill was very attractive. I almost said cute because he definitely has a little boy quality to him. Handsome is not quite the right adjective, either. Attractive will do for now. He has short dark hair, green eyes, and a solid muscly body without being overdeveloped. I could feel my body drawn to him many times while we were sitting next to each other at the bar. I was fascinated by what he had to say as well. We discussed economics, literature, music, and philosophy of management and leadership all a bit but not too much in the course of a couple of hours. I was very pleased.

I asked Adeleine what gave me away at work since I had never explicitly told her that I was gay. She told me three things: I had perfect manners (straight men supposedly don't, according to her), I was always "right on" with my opinions regarding women's fashions, and I was vain.

Now this last one struck me to the core. She said that I often talked about needing to fix my nails (I pick at my dry cuticles), my gut, or some other detail. Lots of details, she said. I had no idea I talked about those things so much. Perhaps that's something I need to look at as well. I don't like to think of myself as vain, but if I'm honest about it, I am probably overly concerned about how people perceive me, my home, my car (well, not so much my car), my clothes, my taste, my actions, etc. and the judgments they make and conclusions at which they arrive based on those perceptions. Working the steps in AA has tremendously helped me become more comfortable in my own skin, and I thought I cared much less what other people thought of me, but perhaps that's not really true. Perhaps it's that conflict between the inner 5 (non-conformist, explorer, etc.) and outer 4 (salt-of-the-earth, responsible, hard worker) that the numerologist told me about myself. (We'll discuss that later when I see her.)

At any rate, I have a whole new set of issues now to work on - worrying, vanity. Who said life every gets boring? I'm really glad Tucker called, and I'm very glad to have had the chance to hang with Adeleine and John and to meet Bill. I hope we get together again soon.

Now, I've got to get ready and head down to Preservation Dallas for volunteering. That's it until tomorrow.

:: Kyle 7:04 AM 0 comments
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