:: sweettalk ::

:: Monday, April 14, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry. -- Luke 15:24

Yesterday morning, I blogged and piddled around a bit before I got down to business around 11. By the end of the afternoon, I had gone through and filed two bankers' boxes of paper, completed and folded five loads of laundry including my bedding, cleaned up the kitchen, and filed my taxes online. Unfortunately, I owe the government about $1000 this year, and I'm not sure why as I've received a refund every year since 1998. Anyway, I filed my return. Hopefully, I can find some more deductions and reduce my balance due.

Afterwards, I checked my email and had received something from Tucker. I was so glad to hear from him at that moment because I felt distraught about my taxes. I replied and then began putting my thoughts together to tell my story later last night. I read through my journal from a couple of years ago when I worked through the steps a second time with Dan. Below are some of the things I found:

The answer lies not in making fewer mistakes but in making more of them. For our mistakes are evidence that we have tried and learned and lived.

I have been trying to hide from others the fact that I am irresponsible and untrustworthy. I think that they are stupid to count on me, believe in me, and trust in me, yet they continue to do so. I must accept the fact that God and other people continue to love me as I am for a different reason. It is not stupidity. It is grace.

Today God asked me to come out and play. I said, “I’m busy. Don’t you see all this work I have to do? I have to find a job, pay the bills, and meet my commitments.” God said, “That can wait. I want to spend time with you and watch you enjoy life.”

In telling my story this time, I tried to refrain from giving them a play-by-play account of my life and stick more to what we're told in the Big Book: Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. Unfortunately, like every other time before, I was still drunk in my story at twenty till. Well, maybe next time I'll do better.

Of course, I cried several times during the telling of my story particularly because Dan and David were present. And because I'm a big sissy-boy. Always have been, always will be.

Dan and David and I talked a while with Disco Dan, Lino, and Johnny in the parking lot and then went to Dan's apartment to decompress and chat. David had a difficult week but finally surrendered. It was very moving. I came home and went to bed with a great sense of relief.

:: Kyle 6:34 AM 0 comments
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