:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, May 31, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Attention and respect give pleasure, however late, or however useless. But they are not useless, when they are late, it is reasonable to rejoice, as the day declines, to find that it has been spent with the approbation of mankind. -- Samuel Johnson, Letter to Hester Thrale, December 31, 1783

Yesterday was a fine last day at GE. I finished distributing anything of importance to the appropriate people. The Finance Team took me to lunch at Pappadeaux which was great. They also gave me a GE Aircraft Engines denim shirt. It was all very thoughtful of them because usually I just vanish into the night when an assignment ends.

I went by my insurance agent's office to pay my reinstatement fee. Chip is always so pleasant and helpful. Even if I could reduce my rates, I think I'd stay with Steven and Chip if only for the level of service they give.

I came home and got my mail. In it was a letter from Frank in Colorado Springs, the last guy I seriously dated almost four years ago. I got a Diet Dr. Pepper and went out to my kitchen stoop to sit and read it. I was hesitant to open it because of what I had asked him when I sent his birthday card earlier this month, but I did and this is what he wrote:

May 26, 2003


Hi Kyle - Thanks for the birthday card. It is always so nice to hear from you. Congratulations on your sobriety accomplishment and your health status. Both make me very happy to know that you've reached such lofty goals.

Would you believe that your birthday greeting came on the same day as another birthday wish from a good friend of mine? So don't feel bad that it was early. You are very thoughtful to have remembered that I was a Gemini so no harm in sending the card early. My actual birthdate is June 3rd so mark that on your calendar. 46 years old. Can you believe it? There are some days when I feel 146, but for the most part I'm feeling pretty good. I've been to the gym the past 4 days and really notice a difference in how I feel. I could stand to lose 10 pounds. I'm at 203 per the Bally's scale this morning. You know it's one of those things that I keep telling myself that I need, or I should say want, to do. I'm very good at remembering this as I reach for the half gallon of Hagen Daz ice cream in the freezer. I bet I could reach my goal in no time if I just knocked off the ice cream, Oreos and all the other crap I eat.

As for you request to give you some insight into our relationship and what you could do to better yourself in the future, I've been thinking a lot about what we had. It's hard to place my finger on it, but I do think a lot of things were about "me". I wasn't crazy about how you kept your place - a trivial stupid thing to get in the way of really getting to know you, but that was how you liked it. If you remember, I was a neat freak, and well...you were not ;) and that was OK. I needed more attention in the relationship, and although I think we spent enough time together, I didn't get the feeling that you were "into it" many times. I think a lot of a successful relationship has to do with timing. I don't think we were meant to be together long term but maybe just meant to be together for a short time for a learning experience. I cherish our friendship now. I care about how you're doing, what you're doing, and who is in your life. So I don't think our relationship was a bad thing. I think we were at two different places, wanting different things, and there were only a few things that we could each satisfy the other with. You have grown a lot and dealt with many issues the past few years and I think that has help you to "liking you" better. I will tell you to just be yourself. If the man in your life can accept you for who you are, there is no need to analyze "what did I do wrong", "how come he doesn't like me", etc....

I look at my relationship with Roy (15 months last week), and I've grown a lot myself in these last few years. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't have a $300,000 house or that he doesn't drive a Mercedes. How superficial I was, and maybe that had something to do with us not working out (but there must have been something that attracted me to you in the first place though). It's more important to look at the person's inside. We have a ball together. We have a lot in common. We just "click". Like I said, so much of a relationship is timing, and Roy's and my timing was right.

You will find someone to share your life with soon. Your "timing" is coming. You have a lot going for you Kyle. I hope you continue your progress on your sobriety and that your health continues well. I think these positive things make you more attractive! Thanks for continuing to write and for remembering my birthday. You are so sweet.

Always -

Frank

I felt both sad and grateful after reading it. I am very thankful that Frank was both honest and gentle. He told me much more in that letter than he ever did while we were dating and gave me some things to think about.

I laid down to read my new meditation book and ended up falling asleep for a couple of hours. Later, I cooked some pasta and logged on to gay.com. I ended up chatting with Zadi and Chase for a while and with Andrew, a young British boy on the West Coast. I finally went to bed around one o'clock in order to get some more sleep before meeting my little brother Ross for breakfast this morning.

:: Kyle 5:30 AM 0 comments
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