:: sweettalk ::

:: Sunday, May 11, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

I devote myself to what I love the most, and for this very reason I hesitate to designate it with lofty words: I do not want to risk believing that it is a sublime compulsion, a law, which I obey: I love what I love the most too much to wish to appear to it as one compelled. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, unpublished fragments dating to November 1882 - February 1883

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. -- Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, Complete Works and Letters in Thirty Volumes, Works, Notebook I, Vol. 17

Commitments, not feelings, hold life together. -- Mason Cooley, City Aphorisms, New York, 1984

Yesterday was a fine day, nothing more, nothing less. I did my monthly volunteer stint at Preservation Dallas. We weren't very busy, so I read some more of Naked and read an article on South Dallas history that they have down there. Afterwards, I drove through one of those neighborhoods, The Cedars, which was Dallas' first "silk stocking" neighborhood during the 1880s and home to much of the city's Jewish population, including the founders of the well-known Sanger Brothers department store chain.

I went by the grocery store and spent far more than I had intended, but I'm well stocked now. I ate and cooked some other things for later and took a big nap. I intended to do some gardening and the sun did come out, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get with it.

Last evening, I did have an opportunity to be completely honest about my feelings for Tucker from Amarillo. He's coming down to Dallas in June and mentioned that we might go to one of the pleasure dens while he's here, even if just to lay out on Sunday. I had told him in an earlier email that he was welcome to go but I was not sure that I was emotionally healthy enough to go with him, not that the baths are considered hotbeds of emotional health anyway.

Since we met at one of the baths the weekend before the ice storm, I certainly understand why he would not have anticipated my reluctance. Men go to the baths to have sex not to initiate long-term monogamous relationships. I understand that, and that's why I rarely go there anymore. In my younger drinking and drugging days, I practically lived there, but my life is very different now.

Tucker was very apologetic for having put me in an uncomfortable position but was also unaware of my feelings for him. I told him that I understood the nature of our relationship. I'm a grown man, and my feelings are my responsibility, not his. Nevertheless, knowing that he's hooking up with other men and being forced to witness it firsthand are completely different for me. I'm funny that way, I guess.

I also told him that I had realized shortly after our trip to Amarillo that he and I were not going to have the kind of relationship I may have hoped for earlier. If I'm ever to be in a relationship, I want to be in one with someone to whom I can devote myself completely, and hopefully, he will want to do the same with me. I don't know if he exists, but if he does, I hope I'm able to find him. I think I will. In the meantime, I've given it over to God.

:: Kyle 6:11 AM 0 comments
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