:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, May 17, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

If you are not already dead, forgive. Rancor is heavy, it is worldly; leave it on earth: die light. -- Jean-Paul Sartre, The Devil and the Good Lord, Act 1

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. -- Peter Ustinov, Christian Science Monitor, December 9, 1958

Yesterday, while everyone in my office was at an appreciation lunch, I took a break and read my personal email. I received a nice hello from Jean-Paul who'll be visiting from Atlanta to search for a new place to live when he transfers here for work. I received an email from my old friend and former crystal cohort David also from Atlanta who'll be visiting here over Memorial Day weekend. Lastly, Judy in Malaysia sent me a beautiful message.

I went down the hall to get a Coke as the machine is out of Dr. Pepper and went outside to take a smoke break. While sitting there, I began a conversation with Tucker in my head. Normally, for an alcoholic like me, such a conversation would be dangerous thing in which to engage, but this one actually went well. I thought of what I would tell Tucker if I had the opportunity. The words I've heard my new AA sponsor Charlie say several times repeated in my head: "We fear not getting what we want or losing something that we never had."

I also reflected on what I written to Tucker and realized that my hunches had been correct. He is not a one-man man and is most likely not interested in a long-term monogamous relationship, at least not with me. I may have been self-centered in taking the opportunity to tell him all that had been on my mind, but what I said was honest and truthful.

Then I heard the words, "Give yourself a break." I don't know if that was God or me or one of the committee members in my head, but I felt a tremendous sense of peace. I have been spinning my wheels all week trying to figure out what to do to fix things with Tucker or to find somebody new to whom I could direct my affection, but things are fine just the way they are right now.

Last evening, I enjoyed a pleasant dinner with my friend Tom W at Cafe Brazil and went to the eight o'clock meeting he chaired on forgiveness. Afterwards, we went to have vanilla cafe au lait and cheesecake at the Crossroads Market. The weather was beautiful and the company was very enjoyable.

All in all, a very good day.

:: Kyle 7:33 PM 0 comments
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