:: sweettalk ::

:: Friday, May 23, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. -- Matthew 6:25-34

I woke up feeling disgruntled this morning. Yesterday was a fine day. In fact, it was beautiful. Work was extremely boring, but I finished everything I had to do. Afterwards, I strolled through the nursery at Home Depot to kill some time and to look for wisteria but found none.

I drove to John's for the massage I had scheduled. I was so glad that he was looking and sounding so well because a month ago he had to be taken to the emergency room because of a severe asthma attack. A couple of things he told me led me to my later discontent. This past weekend, he had visited someone in West Palm Beach whom he had met several years earlier during his first AIDS Ride. At that time, both of them had partners but now were each single. He showed me his picture and told me about the sweet way he had greeted John at the airport. Although I'm happy for John, I later felt a bit envious of having that kind of connection with someone. I miss that and want that for myself.

He also told me about a recent revelation he had experienced. His dad suffered a stroke several months ago, and John has been driving out to West Texas on the weekends to help him out. John had not been feeling very successful recently due to the finances and the recent breakup with his lover of many years, and his dad happened to say that he would not change one thing about him. John realized that in hearing that, he had achieved what he had always wanted.

Later I realized how much I keep waiting for my idea of success to arrive or to feel like I have achieved that which I have wanted. I keep waiting and waiting to be ready to enter a relationship, change my career, buy a house, whatever, until things are just right. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Why do I have such difficulty accepting that?

I awoke this morning thinking about something I recently read in The Courage to be Rich: "People first, money second, things last." I spend so much time worrying about money and things that I totally leave people out of the equation. I decided right then to turn all these money matters over to God.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm ready to start living. Please God, help me with this.

:: Kyle 7:14 AM 0 comments
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