:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, May 24, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Ah, the truth, what a thing it is! I sacrifice so much for it, with people: I forego, for truth’s sake, discretion, loyalty, diplomacy, tact, polite manners, elegance, grace, poise, balance, good taste, conformity, image-role, fashionableness, polish, confidences, promises, ambition, consistency, identity, clarity, comprehensibleness, good will, hypocrisy, and lots of other things—amass sacrifice, at truth’s altar. God! is truth worth it? I hope it is. It better be, in fact. -- Marvin Cohen, Fables at Life’s Expense, “Where Does Truth Lie”

Yesterday ended up much better than it began. I started the day a bit frustrated with myself because I didn't realize until Thursday evening that my auto and renters insurance had been cancelled at the end of April because I was late with my payment. I found an unopened envelope with the notice and a premium refund sitting in the stack on my buffet. Thankfully, I called Chip at my insurance agent's office after I arrived at work and had it reinstated. On Tuesday morning, he'll tell me how much I owe and it'll all be done.

I had scheduled lunch with my new AA sponsor Charlie to begin doing some step work with him and to discuss my decision to apply to the UTD program and my recurrent insane behavior involving men. I printed out what I had last written to Tucker in Amarillo before he ceased all communication with me, and when I read it, I cringed. I hesitated bringing it to lunch to give to Charlie, but because of that hesitation, I knew that I needed to do it. For me, it's like going to the doctor. If I refrain from being honest about my symptoms and ailments, he can't help me. I need to be honest and vulnerable with Charlie and show him my soft underbelly even if it's uncomfortable to do so.

We had a very pleasant lunch. We discussed how I practiced the Eleventh Step every morning, and he encouraged me to begin really doing a Tenth Step each day. I told him about school and gave him the background on the whole Tucker situation. At the end of our lunch, he read through our last email correspondence. Where I thought I was being honest, he saw all seven of the deadly sins with sex, expectation, and resentment thrown in for good measure. He also commented that these are all the things that drive us to drink, and it's a miracle that I didn't pick up a bottle.

I asked if he thought I had an amends to make to Tucker, and he asked who was harmed. It was me. Tucker is probably fine. I'm the one who doesn't like the way it turned out, and I need to learn to not do that again as I have over and over again in the past. He also saw a lot of heterosexual notions of love, sex, and relationships and encouraged me to be really honest about I want, not what I think I should want. The "should'ves" will kill us.

After work, I went to the six o'clock meeting on what works for us today and perspective. I was surprised how many people were there with the Big D Roundup going on. I came home and watered the plants and finally got Max and Dixie's dog kennels dissembled to clean up and give away.

My friend David from Atlanta called several times because they had to change planes due to mechanical failure of the first one. I finally met him and his friend Angie at JR's, and we took a tour of strip to Throckmorton Mining Company and the Roundup Saloon. In some ways, David hasn't changed a bit. He's as cute and hyper as he was fourteen years ago although now there's no crystal involved. He's all buffed out now and has shaved his head but still the same old David.

After he'd had a few drinks, he revealed that he'd had a big crush on me all those years ago, and I was one of his unrequited loves. I never knew that. He always avoided talking about anything related to love, sex, or relationships back then, and I remember feeling protective of his innocence, virtue, or whatever it seemed to be at the time. Anyway, we had an enjoyable night out. I finally came home about one and hit the hay.

:: Kyle 10:22 AM 0 comments
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