:: sweettalk ::

:: Sunday, May 25, 2003 ::

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. -- Katherine Mansfield, New Zealand-born British author, Journal entry, October 14, 1922

It’s a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing—nothing. -- Zora Neale Hurston, Moses Man of the Mountain

Yesterday morning, I awoke before my little brother Ross called me. I sat outside smoking a cigarette while looking at my rapidly growing wildflower garden. I can't wait until they begin blooming.

Ross and I met for breakfast at Lucky's and read our horoscopes as well as that of our waiter Patrick. Perhaps in response to his horoscope, Patrick revealed jokingly that he sometimes feels asexual since he's 34 and has never been in a relationship. I could relate to that, but I told him that I definitely did not think he was asexual. He is very cute and sweet but also has some sort of smoldering sensuality about him. I would ask him out but hesitate because of the awkwardness that might ensue afterwards during my weekly breakfasts with Ross. I guess we could find another place to eat if need be.

After breakfast, I picked up some prescriptions at StatScript and a vanilla latte at Starbucks and finished reading the paper before our men's AA meeting. The group was smaller than usual because of the Roundup going on, but that was nice. The topic was on God wanting us to be happy, joyous, and free, and avoiding the deliberate manufacture of misery. I'm pretty good at the latter and don't always behave as if I believe the former although I know it's true. My sponsor Charlie was there, and I was glad to see him again.

I came home and blogged and logged on briefly to gay.com. A guy from Anchorage, Alaska entered the POZ room and mentioned that he was moving to Dallas because his boyfriend was being transferred here from Atlanta. When I looked at the guy's profile, I saw Jean-Paul's handle. I had already emailed Jean-Paul to tell him that Sunday night was fine for him to come visit but quickly sent another email telling him what had happened. I also told him that while I was willing to drive him around town to look at places to live, he should probably stay elsewhere if he is already in a relationship with someone.

By this time, I was hurt at being misled and angry at men in general. I released my frustrations by scrubbing down Max and Dixie's old kennels in order to give them to the SPCA and by pulling the rest of the ivy weed out of the monkey grass in front.

I felt pooped and itchy when I was done and came in and logged back on gay.com. One thing I'd realized is that I wait for men to approach me whether it's online or in person. I need to be willing to put myself on the line and approach someone to whom I'm attracted.

After some hesitation, I did just that and ended up chatting with Joey. He's a PhD who works in pediatric intensive care while also working on his MBA. He's a Buddhist and was a friend of Bill's for ten years. We exchanged phone numbers, and he asked me to call after I finished my bath. I did, and after a long, enjoyable conversation, he asked me to coffee on Monday night after he's done with work. I agreed and am looking forward to meeting him.

Jean-Paul called after he received my email and was flabbergasted. He told me that he had been on two dates with the Anchorage guy, but had told him that he was moving to Dallas and was not interested in a long-distance relationship. He told me that he had called and left a message for him to clear things up. I appreciated Jean-Paul's candor and am going to pick him up this evening and allow him to stay with me. I'm looking forward to meeting him, but I didn't want to mess around with anyone else's boyfriend or husband. That hasn't worked well for me in the past.

A storm awoke me about four o'clock this morning. I got up, turned off all the lights, and watched the lightning from the living room before going back to bed. It was all very peaceful and beautiful in its own way.

:: Kyle 9:46 AM 0 comments
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