:: sweettalk ::

:: Thursday, June 19, 2003 ::

contentment

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-
that where there is hatred, I may bring love-
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony-
that where there is error, I may bring truth-
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-
that where there is despair, I may bring hope-
that where there are shadows, I may bring light-
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather
to comfort than to be comforted-
to understand than to be understood-
to love than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Moderation in people who are contented comes from that calm that good fortune lends to their spirit. -- Duc De La Rochefoucauld François, Sentences et Maximes Morales, No. 17

The boatmen appeared to lead an easy and contented life, and we thought that we should prefer their employment ourselves to many professions which are much more sought after. They suggested how few circumstances are necessary to the well-being and serenity of man, how indifferent all employments are, and that any may seem noble and poetic to the eyes of men, if pursued with sufficient buoyancy and freedom. -- Henry David Thoreau, A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers

If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you. And the life that you ought to be living is the one you're living. You begin to deal with people who are in the field of your bliss and they open doors to you. I say don't be afraid, and follow your bliss, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be. -- Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

It feels like I've not blogged in forever. I'm going to have to find a way to wake up earlier because trying to blog at night obviously is not working for me. On top of that, when I tried to blog night before last, I couldn't access BloggerPro.

Anyway, I'll begin where I left off after my post on Sunday. After a few attempts, I took some pictures of myself with my new digital camera which I uploaded to my profile on gay.com. The pic I previously had in my profile must have been several years old because I remember who I was with at the time it was taken, and I was sporting a Hermey the Elf hairdo.

I was a little nervous because I'm several years older now and have a few more wrinkles, a little gray hair, and have developed a slight gap between my front teeth due to weakening gums. However, once I uploaded them and entered chat, I was besieged by requests for private chats from guys seeing my new pics.

I drove out to Far North Dallas to meet one guy who was 30. I thought we were going to go to his pool, but instead we sat and talked and watched the end of Moulin Rouge. He was nice enough but had that heroin-addict waif look that I definitely do not find appealing.

I met another guy that evening at After Dark on Cedar Springs. I had a very enjoyable time talking with him although he had a somewhat rigorous interview or interrogation process. I think I passed, but I'm not interested in seeing him again for three reasons:

1) I think he lied about his age being 47 because he looks closer to my father's age of 65,

2) he asked me what I thought would happen if I had a sip of alcohol and if I thought I could be disciplined enough to handle it now after being sober 8 years, and

3) his whole conversational style seemed manipulative in that he would ask me questions in order for me to ask the same things of him whether or not I was interested in knowing the answer.

Work has been very good and very busy this week. I do really like these guys with whom I'm working and the kind of work I'm doing.

On Monday evening, I went to the six o'clock AA meeting and to the business meeting afterwards at which my friend Nate served in his role as Secretary for the first time. Girl Michael did a very good job chairing the meeting as did Nate at recording it except for the one time when he forgot that he was the one responsible for counting the votes.

On Tuesday evening, I went to the annual meeting of Preservation Dallas at which I recognized for the hours I've volunteered at the Intown Living Center on the second Saturday of every month. That was very nice of them. I talked to the staff and to Stacy who keeps their books. She is starting a new job on Monday and had just become engaged to be married the previous evening. And boy, is her fiancee a hunk! Nate and Tom and I've seen them at the movies before, and I met him at last year's annual meeting.

Last night, I went to our Rebellion Dogs study group where Disco Dan chaired the meeting on Tradition Six in Ken and his new condo which his beautiful. It was great to see everybody, and I am learning so much. I drove down to the Meridian Room afterwards with the intention of going to the DFW Bloggers happy hour but so few people were inside that I didn't go in.

Instead, I drove to the Midtowne Spa to hopefully enjoy a little fun. Unfortunately, it must have been chubby night as almost everyone in there seemed older than fifty and weighed at least 300 pounds. I did briefly hook up with one beefy Hispanic guy but that was all.

Two other things happened while I was there. First of all, I saw Eduardo, a former boss and quasi-boyfriend of mine, in the jacuzzi. We had a less than amicable parting of the ways about twelve years ago when I refused to do prepare some marketing materials that I thought were unethical, and he fired me. He did later come to my parents' house to ask me to come back to work for him, but I refused.

Anyway, when I said hello to him, he mouthed words to me in return and pointed to his ears. I can only assume he is deaf now. He is HIV+ also and obviously cannot speak or hear any longer. Although he's quite a bit skinnier than he was and has a moustache, he still looks like the same old Eduardo. I have no resentments toward him any longer, but when I sat down alone inside the sauna, I was overcome with sadness and remorse. I felt so badly for him and his current condition, and I felt guilty for ever harboring ill will against him in the past.

I'm hesitant to write the second thing that happened because I know that it will be read. When I was with the beefy Hispanic guy, he handed me a bottle of poppers which I sniffed once. It is not the first time I've done so in sobriety, but it is the first time I've ever admitted it. I don't feel any addiction to it, and I can't even remember how long it's been since that last happened, but I did it. I'm going to tell my new sponsor Charlie about it, and I'm willing to get a new desire chip if he feels it's necessary although it seems a trivial instance with which to begin all over. I don't know what the rules are on this. The important thing for me is to be honest about it, and my first step in doing that is writing it here. Ugggh. Sobriety is simple, but not easy.

Tonight, I was to meet Francisco, the artist, at his apartment to eat pizza and look at his work, but he called today to reschedule because he will be working late painting a mural at a friend's house in Euless. We are going to meet Saturday night instead. He is so sweet, and I remember him being so sexy, I can't wait to see him. I also want to see what he's painted in person. He is a very interesting guy.

Time and time again this week, people have commented on how content and peaceful I seem. If only they could see inside my head. However, they have caused me to reflect and change my perspective a bit. When I look at my life, I am very pleased with how it has turned out and am enjoying my present as much as ever before. I have finally gotten that which I always wanted -- the feeling of better things to come.

:: Kyle 5:03 PM 0 comments
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