:: sweettalk ::

:: Sunday, June 22, 2003 ::

humility

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly lights. The shadows of poverty and meanness gather around us, “and lo! creation widens to our view.” -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

A day to blog in the morning, and a beautiful day, too. On Friday at work, I was able to finish the Top 10 Labs Variance Analysis report I'd been working on. I have it set up so that I will need to do relatively little each month forward to update the report. I am enjoying work very much and made a point of thanking Regan for re ommding me for the project.

I went to the six o'clock AA meeting afterwards where Don chaired the meeting on honesty with ourselves. I could not help but think of the line in Step Seven of the Twelve and Twelve: Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility---a word often misunderstood. To those who have made progress in AA, it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.

I saw my sponsee after the meeting and asked if she had a sponsor whom she was calling regularly and with whom she was working as she had not called me in over a month or so. I encouraged her to use someone as a sponsor whether it's me or someone else. She told me that she had avoided calling me and said she knew that I was busy with family and other things. She had asked someone else to be her sponsor but had not yet been working with them. I asked that she allow me to determine if I was too busy to be a sponsor and told her that this was not about me but about her. I told her that although she does not think she'll drink, she is probably not the best judge of that. We are easily deceived particularly when we don't do the work. She cried, we hugged, and that was that.

I talked to cute, buff Greg afterwards. I hadn't seen him in a while. He said that he was interested in applying to be on one of the teams that take AA meetings to the jails. We looked for applications on the bulletin board in back but found none, so I told him I'm call our team leader or the program coordinator this weekend and ask for more. I enjoy talking to Greg so much. Besides being such a beautiful man on the outside, he has grown so much on the inside. Not too long ago, he could not sit still for a minute to meditate and resented having to go to meetings to stay sober.

I came home and my Pimsleur French tapes had arrived from Amazon.com. Yea! I returned a call from Chris, my apartment manager, and thanked him for replacing the busted-out screen in the front door with glass and for repairing the kitchen ceiling that had fallen into my sink after Marni upstairs overflowed her dishwasher last month. I also called and left a message for my sponsor Charlie telling his that I had something I'l like to talk about with him. I watered the wildflowers and my poor neglected potted plants out front and then cleaned up and changed clothes.

I logged on to gay.com briefly until I had to leave and Boomer privated me. He's a cutie but the last time we chatted, I became difficult and obstinate about something, and I apologized immediately this time for being so. He thanked me and told me it takes a real man to do that and also told me that it was his birthday weekend. He's about to be thirty-eight also. I told him that it had been a very good year for me so far. His friends and family are planning a couple of birthday dinners or parties this weekend for him and he plans to go dancing at Seven. We closed up soon as I had to leave, and I wished him a very happy birthday.

I drove to Doug and Karen's house in Oak Cliff to meet Kathy, my old girlfriend from high school who is in town with her kids for the week. Her kids are so cute and are growing up so fast. I have a picture of them on my mantle. Doug came in to greet me and give me a big hug. I forgot how handsome and manly he is. He looks like the Marlboro man in the ads.

As Karen and Kathy put their kids to bed, Doug began making sandwiches for all of us grown-ups. It was so good to see him again and to see him doing so well. During my early years of sobriety, I attended the church where he was pastor for a few years until he resigned suddenly one Sunday. Only later did I find out that his resignation and depression was due to alcoholism. He's been sober three and a half years now and is again pastor of their church. It felt no nice to be with good Christian people from my past who know me as well as anybody and yet do not judge me for being gay, HIV+, or addicted to drugs and alcohol.

After Karen and Doug went to bed, Kathy and I had some ice cream with hot fudge sauce and then sat by the pool outside to talk. We talked about many things but mostly about her recent experience with the spec home she and her husband Derek built and sold to the idiot, retarded children of God as we call them and about the strain the whole episode had put on their marriage. The differences in their personalities and approaches to life had been brought to the surface by the experience - Derek's is fight, and Kathy's is flight.

They've been going for counseling, and I encouraged her to continue doing so even though the stressful part is over now that they've closed on the house. We talked about insanity being repeating the same behavior and expecting different results and how we cannot force one another to change. I found myself using so much of what I've learned in AA in our conversation such as encouraging her to make a gratitude list of things about Derek and their marriage - not things that they have together like their kids and their home, but things like character traits and ways in which their marriage is special and unique for which she's thankful. I found it ironic that I was counseling her to look for the good things in the guy for whom she broke up with me and broke my heart almost twenty years ago. A few years ago, my immediate response would have been one of vengefulness (at least inside). This program really does work. Thank you God.

We didn't realize it, but we talked until almost two o'clock. I gave her a big hug and left but was not tired at all. I decided to go by the ATM to get some cash and drove to the Midtowne Spa. It was much busier than Wednesday night and all the chubbies were gone. I feel as if I must have been putting off some unusual energy because I didn't connect with anyone until the short muscle guy approached me in the hallway. We went back to my room for some fun, and he was fun. It was four-thirty by the time he left, and I went to sleep for a couple of hours.

When I awoke, the light was coming through the hallway windows and the hallways were deserted. I went downstairs to the hot tub and the showers, and on my return saw a cute young member of my AA group. I said hello to him and proceeded to my room. Later, as he was passing my doorway, we talked and he came inside for a smoke. We talked a little, and he began rubbing me and fondling me as I told him that this was probably the most we had ever spoken to each other. Neither of us ever got rid of our towels and we didn't do anything before he decided it was time for him to go home. I'm glad he did because I needed to get home in order to meet my little brother Ross for breakfast.

I actually beat Ross to Lucky's yesterday morning. That rarely happens. We stopped outside to sign a birthday card I had bought for Patrick our waiter. I forget what day is actually his birthday but know from reading his horoscope to him each week that he's a Cancer. We had to sit in Roger's section but Patrick sat down for a sec for his horoscope and seemed to really appreciate his card. He also put his arm around me this week. He seemed a little agitated and frustrated by the guy from San Diego whom he met in Key West and who's staying with him for a visit. Patrick's ready for him to leave because he seems to be invading his space too much. That's good because then there will be more room for me.

I went by Starbucks for a vanilla latte and big Bill chaired the meeting on humility -- how appropriate. I guess God's trying to tell me something. It was a great meeting. These guys really know their stuff based on experience and actually reading the literature. Afterwards, I sat down and told Charlie about sniffing poppers on Wednesday night at the baths. He doesn't consider them mind-altering substances and said there was nothing for me to worry about unless I had a problem with them. Since I can't even remember how many years it's been since I sniffed them, I feel confident that I don't. The important thing for me was to be honest with him and admit what I had done. I don't want to keep these kinds of secrets inside. Whew! I'm glad that's over.

I came home and commenced with Cleaning Day. When Dan helped me get my apartment straightened up in March, I commited to dedicating the third Saturday afternoon of each month to keeping it clean. I did several loads of laundry, washed any remaining dishes, and got most of the kitchen clean. By mid-afternoon, the previous night was beginning to catch up with me, so I read and took a big nap. That felt good although I didn't sleep as long as I'd like.

I finished folding the laundry and logged onto gay.com. I entered the Muscle room, and to my surprise, my "Uncle" Hal privated me. I didn't know he even knew about gay.com. We chatted a bit, and I ended up asking him if he would put a workout program together for me as I'm ready to begin putting on some muscle now that I've lost most of my fat this year. We talked on the phone and made plans for him to go to my gym with me next Saturday morning to show me his exercises and to have breakfast with Ross afterwards. I'm so excited to get back to working out now and I'm looking forward to Ross and Uncle Hal meeting each other as they've each heard me talk about the other for years. Also, Uncle Hal is a technical recruiter and knows people in Austin and California where Ross has been looking for work.

I showered and dressed and picked up an extra-large pepperoni pizza to take to Francisco's. He is still cute as a button and sexy, too. I love his apartment and his artwork. I felt so at ease and comfortable in his home, and the more I know him, the more interesting he becomes. That rarely happens with me. I am going to enjoy getting to know him even better. We talked and at pizza for a long time and he showed me his studio upstairs. We spent the last hour reinstalling drivers on his computer so his webcam will work correctly. I hope we fixed it, or at the very least, that I didn't do any harm.

I left about midnight, came home, and logged on to gay.com yet one more time. I chatted with David in Dallas and cute, young Ryan in Southlake a bit, and then Stanley in New York privated me from the Muscle room. He is a very tall, blond 35-year old native of Poland who loves to scuba-dive and works as a translator. He's also been sober and in AA for almost ten years. He called me to wish me sweet dreams in French before I finally went to bed at two or three o'clock in the morning.

A busy, busy but enjoyable two days, but I liked it.

:: Kyle 6:53 AM 0 comments
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