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:: Sunday, June 01, 2003 ::

truth

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Belief in the truth commences with the doubting of all those “truths” we once believed. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Sämtliche Werke: Kritische Studienausgabe, Vol. 2

I met my little brother Ross for breakfast at Lucky's yesterday morning. Somehow he always manages to beat me there. We had a pleasant time, and Patrick was our waiter. He sat down with us for a minute while we read all of our horoscopes.

Ross and I told him that we had taken a vote and that we did not want him to move to Fort Lauderdale. He said that it was only for about a year and that he would buy a three-bedroom condo there where we could all live. He would wait tables, Ross could bartend, and while I said that I was pretty good at lying around, Patrick said that I could strip. I don't think I could support myself if I resorted to that. I did recall that I had considered being a box dancer at JR's many, many years ago after I had been fired and was at a particularly low point in my life. Of course, I was about twenty-four or twenty-five at the time.

I like Patrick, and I think he may like me. I don't know if Lucky's has a policy against staff dating customers, but I think I will call Kevin to find out. I haven't decided for sure about asking him out, but I think I'm going to even if it's only to practice putting myself out there. We'll see.

I came by home, took my meds, made my bed, and cleaned up a bit before the men's AA meeting. David chaired the meeting on relationships, and Gordy read a passage from the Twelve & Twelve. It ended up being a great meeting. I particularly liked what Chris had to share about working the steps on relationships. Like him, what I know to be blue may be an entirely different color altogether. It takes talking to others and seeking their wisdom and counsel to really sort that out.

Mom met me at my house after the meeting and brought some broken clay pots, some ivy, and some fern. I showed her my wildflower garden and she agreed with Jennifer and Tom that the clump of stuff in the middle was not any wildflower but probably nut grass. We drove to Snuffers on Lower Greenville for burgers and cheddar fries. It was such a pleasant afternoon with just Mom and me.

Once she left for Arlington, I proceeded to pull all the nut grass and plant the fern, the ivy, and the mint seeds I had received in the mail last week. The little wildflowers left in the middle look very lonely and sad now. I hope they fill in some now that they can get some sun. I did see a monarch butterfly and a couple of white butterflies in the garden yesterday, and Mom and I both think a couple of the flowers are about to begin blooming.

After I was done, I called my friend Tom to tell him that he had been right and that my wildflowers looked a little sad and lonely now. We agreed to meet for dinner after we had both had a nap and cleaned up.

He came by about seven-thirty and we went down to Union Jack to buy him a black belt. After that was done, we headed over to Cafe Brazil and sat outside drinking raspberry iced tea, eating quesadillas and migas, and watching the boys go by.

I told Tom about the meditation book I had bought this week and we ended up getting into a conversation about God and spirituality and about letting go of old ideas absolutely. He told me how he thought it was odd that I still hung on to some fundamental Christian beliefs. He would not have expected that based on our previous conversations.

The God of my understanding now is much the same but also much different from the one I learned about growing up. I told Tom that perhaps I hung on to those old Christian beliefs just in case I am wrong. When I thought about letting those go during our conversation, I felt terrified. I still feel terrified just writing about it now. I really need to look at this. If I have to choose between the God I know and the one I think I should know, I choose the former, but letting go of the latter seems to make the earth beneath me quake and tremble. Why is this so unsettling? I don't know, but I want to find out.

After dinner, we went down to the Crossroads Market for cafe au laits. Tom read our horoscopes from the Voice, and later David D, Jonathan, and Matthew joined us. Yesterday was such a enjoyable day all the way around, but left me with some profound questions to answer.

:: Kyle 12:30 PM 0 comments
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