:: sweettalk ::

:: Wednesday, July 02, 2003 ::

fidelity

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-
that where there is hatred, I may bring love-
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony-
that where there is error, I may bring truth-
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-
that where there is despair, I may bring hope-
that where there are shadows, I may bring light-
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather
to comfort than to be comforted-
to understand than to be understood-
to love than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

What a fuss people make about fidelity! Why, even in love it is purely a question for physiology. It has nothing to do with our own will. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot: that is all one can say. -- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Scepticism is the chastity of the intellect, and it is shameful to surrender it too soon or to the first comer; there is nobility in preserving it coolly and proudly through a long youth, until at last, in the ripeness of instinct and discretion, it can be safely exchanged for fidelity and happiness. -- George Santayana, Skepticism and Animal Faith

Sexual fidelity is more important in a homosexual relationship than in any other. In other relationships there are a variety of ties. But here, fidelity is the only bond. -- W.H. Auden, “October 20, 1947,” The Table Talk of W.H. Auden

I was drained today. I got a lot done at work but was dragging by mid-afternoon. After work, I went to the Dean for America MeetUp at Central Market at Lovers and Greenville that Tony had invited me to last week. Chuck from the Rebellion Dogs met me there. The crowd was obviously much larger than they had anticipated, and we stood in the back. The Republican- and Bush-bashing didn't sit too well with me, but what can you expect?

I thought the best part was the "Adopt an Iowan" program. Governor Dean will air a commercial in Iowa next week, and we all hand-wrote letters of support to undecided voters there. It was good to see Tony there after all these years, and I'll see him again at the rally in a couple of weeks. Also, Gary was there. He was once of the dates I asked out when my first AA sponsor Wilson made me during my first year of sobriety. It was good to see him after all this time, too.

Afterwards, I dropped off my rent check and stopped by the 7-Eleven to pick up some Diet Dr. Pepper and a new lighter. I came home and called my sponsor and Robert to whom I hadn't spoken in several years. He and his partner are back in Dallas and are leaving for Spain on Saturday. It'll be good to catch up with him when they return. I logged on to m4m and gay.com and chatted a while. Theo IM'd me to harrass me. I missed meeting with the Dawgs tonight but was glad I got to attend the Dean meeting.

A few things struck me today. I've suspected that I've been having a manic episode recently, but no one else seems to think so. When I honestly look at myself, I'm experiencing many of the symptoms, but I just don't know. I've been much busier than usual. My energy has been up most of the time. I'm easily distracted and have a difficult time focusing. My thoughts have been racing. I can't tell whether or not my self-esteem seems inflated or if I'm being grandiose. I've been spending more than usual and having sex more often. I've only been sleeping five or six hours a night at most. Today, I began being more eaily agitated and irritated with people. I sure hope it's not mania because the crash is usually awful. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Secondly, I realized how fortunate I am to be working. Fantasy man Tom was laid off from work last fall, Theo this spring, and Gary at tonight's meeting has been out of work since Fall 2001. Even though my work situation isn't ideal, I'm sure grateful that I still have a job and steady income. I hope the economy improves soon for those who don't.

Finally, I keep hearing this comment from different people that men, particularly gay men, aren't good at being monogamous. I've always thought my ideal relationship would be a monogamous one, but perhaps I put too much into that. My sponsor Charlie thinks that my notions about relationships are very heterosexual. I just don't know. It's one of those things I never questioned and always took for granted. I guess I don't have to worry about it since I'm not in a relationship yet, but the thought just keeps coming across my path.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Until tomorrow.

:: Kyle 10:22 PM 0 comments
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