:: sweettalk ::

:: Sunday, July 27, 2003 ::

limerance

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. -- I Corinthians 13:8-13

The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conducted will yield the imagination a higher joy than any fiction. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Lecture, March 3, 1884, in Amory Hall, Boston, Massachusetts

Another Sunday. Love Sunday morning. My mind's still somewhat in a fog, so I'm going to write as I would normally write.

Friday ended up being a great day. I felt well-rested finally after two weeks of staying up late talking to my Honeybear and not sleeping long or well. My sponsor Charlie called me back just before I left for work. I told him that I was in love, and he said he knew. He could hear it in my voice when I left my message for him on Wednesday night. I had also told him that I expected to be on the phone for an extended period of time and he knew what that was all about. He asked me about my new love and told me that Cajun boys were hot. He told me that this is romance and not real. What I've been feeling is limerance. He suggested that I not make any decisions in this stage like moving him in, putting him on my bank account, buying him a convertible as if I could. I'm so glad Charlie's back from vacation to keep me grounded.

I looked up romance, limerance, and love. Romance is a love affair, an ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people, or a strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.

Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Most love in fact starts out as limerance, but most limerance never evolves into love.

Love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.

At work, my cute little manager Jeremy asked me to join him in a quiet room. At first, being a paranoid alcoholic, I thought he was going to talk about my perpetual lateness. Instead, he asked if I was enjoying the project and if it was what I expected. I told him that I was enjoying doing financial analysis again and that it was refreshing working with a fun group of guys much like my little brothers after spending the past couple of years in accounting departments with a fifty to sixty sweet, middle-aged, wide-assed women.

He told me about their plans to base six Business Analysts out in the field where the Regional VPs are located in Dayton/Columbus, Greensboro, Long Beach, Minneapolis, Tampa, and Topeka. He would remain at headquarters in Dallas to manage them and to support the National Labs; however, he did not feel that he could do it all in the transition period of hiring and training these analysts. He asked if I would be interested in staying until next June to help him during the transition and to support the National Labs. I said that I would. It feels nice to be appreciated. It's also nice to know what I'll be doing until then, and it should work out well next fall and spring as I'm completing the courses for the certificate program at UTD.

In the afternoon, all the Finance and Accounting folks split into two teams for four rounds of cubicle aisle bowling. It was actually very fun, but still, five-thirty could not come soon enough.

After work, I made it to the post office in time to pick up Allen's present to me and then stopped by StatScript to pick up some refills and some cleansing wash my dermatologist prescribed. I went to the six o'clock AA meeting where Jeff chaired the meeting on Step Twelve and working with others. Afterwards, I went to Loews Cityplace to see the 7:30 showing of Seabiscuit with Chuck and Jeff. Such a good movie; however, I began tearing up at an inappropriate time when I felt this longing to have Allen beside me holding my hand and sharing the moment. I could not wait to get home and talk to him. Hi, I'm Kyle and I'm an Allen addict. How sick!

Thankfully, he was online when I got home shortly after ten o'clock. We talked for three hours and the time passed so quickly. This is what I've always dreamed of. I told him all about my day, and he told me about his. I told him what Charlie had told me about romance, limerance, and love. I told him about my conversation with Jeremy, and we discussed how that would affect us if things work out next weekend in New Orleans. During the day, I had thought of several places where he might look for a job in Dallas and emailed the websites to him. Whether or not things work out with us, he needs to find a new job once his workers comp case is settled, and I want the best for him.

I finally made it to bed around one-thirty and woke up around seven-thirty. I called my little brother Ross to ask if we were still going to breakfast. We met at Lucky's, and I told him all about his potential new brother-in-law Allen. He was very happy for me. I also told him that he had been right several months ago when he said that he know he was in love when he found someone whom he wanted to be with all the time. That's how it feels. He said that when I repeat things that he's said before back to him, they sound much more wise. I hope he finds someone soon.

I came home to take my meds and answer some emails and Kristina was online. We messengered back and forth telling each other about our new loves. I was glad to talk to her again. I had such a big crush on her last year but knew that it would never work out between us. I'm happy for her new life in Denver.

I went to the ten o'clock men's AA meeting where Ed chaired it on Step One and powerlessness. I realized that I am as powerless over alcohol as I ever was but am much more aware of all the other things I am powerless over as well. The past couple of weeks, I've felt powerless over my emotions but I've not felt afraid of them. I feel at peace and know that I know what to do to keep functioning at life and not drink. Feelings are fleeting, and they won't kill us. It's our reaction to them that makes all the difference.

I went to Original Market Diner with some of the guys afterwards and talked mostly to Lenny and Bill. I love the guys in my group. Afterwards, I came home and at some point, I must have done something to my back. I have a sharp pain under my right shoulder blade that won't go away. I wish Allen were here to rub it. I took a big nap and then a hot lavender bath, but the pain was still there. I talked to Allen a couple of times during the afternoon and later last night when he seemed down. I think he's really scared of not being "enough" or of being disappointed again. We'll just have to wait and see.

:: Kyle 6:30 AM 0 comments
...

0 Comments:

Post a Comment