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:: Tuesday, July 01, 2003 ::

obsession

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-
that where there is hatred, I may bring love-
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony-
that where there is error, I may bring truth-
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-
that where there is despair, I may bring hope-
that where there are shadows, I may bring light-
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather
to comfort than to be comforted-
to understand than to be understood-
to love than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers. -- Erich Fromm, Man for Himself

Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer. -- Norman Mailer, American Way, June 15, 1995

Uggh. I'm getting obsessive again. Here I had this perfectly wonderful weekend, and all I could think about last night was that Michael, the guy with whom I corresponded all weekend and to whom I was most attracted, had not written since Sunday. I'd seen him online and sent him another email yesterday evening asking about his day and telling him about mine. I hate that feeling of uncertainty. What did I say? What did I do? Why won't he call? Why won't he write? You can tell that the committee members in my mind were running rampant tonight. Anyway, had to get that out.

Sunday was great. After I blogged, I put a load of laundry in the washer and began defrosting the ground beef to make some picadillo. I ran up to Home Depot to get a few zinnias to replace the ones that died in the planter, some galvanized wire and hookscrews for the wisteria, and some more potting soil. While there, I ran into Jason who used to work with me at TITAS and who currently works at the Meadows Museum. I came back home to put the clothes in the dryer and cook me some picadillo.

My friend Tom called and we talked for a while, and about ten o'clock, I changed and walked down to the Throckmorton Mining Company for Trash Disco. Although I didn't really feel uncomfortable there, I did feel somewhat out of place. I stood around and walked around for a while before running into Volker. We visited for a while until he rejoined his friends and then I went upstairs to sit and smoke and watch everyone dance.

As I was headed downstairs, Robert, a guy from my AA group, yelled at me from the bar. I sat down and visited with him a bit. He told me about his softball team making the finals for the World Series of the gay softball league, and then we discussed the Twelfth Step quite a bit and what our group might do more of in that regard. Afterwards, we went downstairs to dance, and boy did we dance! It felt so good. The music was great, and I just let loose. I finally left around midnight and came home hot, tired, and sweaty.

Yesterday, I was late to work as usual. Jeremy was out sick with a sore throat. I took a late lunch to go down to my doctor's office for a Body Composition Analysis. I was pleased to learn that my fat has dropped from 20% to 16% and my muscle mass has increased from 38% to 41%. I need to be careful about losing any more weight as I'm already down to 171 from 188 in early February.

After work, I came home and finished and submitted my online application and essay for the UTD Certificate in the Quantitative Analysis of Social and Economic Data. I checked and returned several emails and then headed to the gym for Day 1 of my new workout. I was only able to finish the back exercises before they closed, but that's about all I could have done anyway. At least I went. I went by Kroger afterwards to pick up some bananas, milk, coffee, margarine, and Sudafed, and then headed home. As soon as I went to bed, I fell fast asleep.

This morning, I woke up very late and very drained. Even as little as I did last night, the gym really took it out of me. Before I left the house, I searched for my SMU transcripts as today was the deadline for getting them in to UTD. Once I found them, I sped off to work, and at a stoplight near the hospital, I bumped a pickup in front of me. When I was searching for something in the passenger seat, I must have let my foot off the break. Thankfully, the guy in the pickup was very nice about the whole thing. No damage was done, but I felt very bad for allowing that to happen.

I arrived late to work, of course, and began immediately on the project Philip had given me to do yesterday. Once I was done with that, I completed all of JP's Day 1 Close duties. At lunch, I drove to UTD to drop off my transcripts and certification statement by the admissions office. I finished the rest of my work and went to Barnes & Noble afterwards to pick up a copy of The Death and Life of Great American Cities for Francisco the artist and one of Darkness Visible for Tom the fantasy man from Saturday night.

I came home to check some emails and make some phone calls and then headed down to Wilmer to visit my new sponsee Marcus who was recently transferred from Lew Sterrett. I asked him to tell me his story, and I briefly told him mine. I don't think he's going to have any problem with Step One. He seems very willing. We'll meet in a couple of weeks about it, and he invited me to a picnic they'll be having later in the month.

I went by Sonic afterwards to pick up some dinner and practiced French Lesson 5 on the way home to Dallas. Once I got here, I called my friend Tom who happened to be down the street. He dropped by to pick up the form to submit one of my UTD reference letters. We talked a bit and he just left.

I also just finished sending an email to the other Tom the fantasy man. It seems we've both put each other on our A-Lists on m4m. He had sent me an email reply earlier that he enjoyed the other evening and that he'd like to read the books I told him about. He also told me that he had not been offered the job at AOL in Virginia. Even though I was happy to reconnect with him the other night, for his sake, I had hoped he would be offered it. He seems to have a good attitude about the situation, and hopefully, I'll get to see him again soon.

That's all for now. Time for bed.

:: Kyle 9:07 PM 0 comments
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