:: sweettalk ::

:: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 ::

waiting for the other shoe to drop

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Behind me, an old man wails.
A low lone moaning reed whistles up my spine.
Above, the mountain shadow holds at bay
a deep blue rolling sea.

Into the long cold night I move;
my warriors file behind me.
Watching over me, a gauzy moon
lights upon my path.

Slowly, I lead my tribe --
a death march to the healing place.
Upon my back, I drag a cross
of one who gave me birth
but could not give me life.

Onto the pyre I release that cross.
Forked flames flicker and consume
that which never was,
is not, and shall never be.

Smoke and soot and cinders swirl
and sting my down-turned eyes.
From the fire float heavenly stars –
They fix themselves for me into
the deep blue night above.

I lift my head.

Through tears I see my stars –
poignant points of joy and light,
eternal memories of pain and death
that were but are no more.

The remaining embers dim and leave
a golden glow which now surrounds my soul.

Wisdom, courage, and serenity are mine.

The Spirit returns here.
-- Kyle, Kiva, April 14, 1995

The past couple of days have been good, and I feel as if I'm settling back down into my normal routine after a whirlwind vacation from it for several weeks. I got several things accomplished on Sunday afternoon and then stopped by Union Jack to get a new white T-shirt for the Dean rally. I stood in the blazing summer sun for an hour or so greeting people as they approached the rally. I saw several people whom I contacted about coming which made me feel good. Several people were asked to give testimonials about why they supported Dean, and he spoke around eight o'clock. Although we didn't have as many attend as we may have hoped for, I think we can call it a success.

Yesterday was more quiet and less stressful at work; however, I still felt on edge because I had to, or at least I thought I had to, run and upload all the financial statements to the internet by the end of the day. With Regan on vacation and the new regional roll-up, I was a little nervous about this going off without a hitch. I stayed a bit late but got it done, and the other analysts will review their regions this morning to make sure it's correct.

After work, I went by Near & Far to buy a Fumes candle made by my friend Tim as I had promised him. He's trying to help move some merchandise there so the owners will order more. I bought Beauty and lit it once I got home. Mmmmm! I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some things I'd forgotten on Saturday and then came home to make some calls and do some laundry. My sponsee Marcus from Wilmer had left a message, and I called him back. He seems to be doing well but has not yet finished all his reading in preparation for discussing Step One tonight, so we're going to wait until the picnic on Sunday. It's nice to have a sponsee who's actually doing the work and calls. I talked to Tim and told him I had made my purchase. Then, I made myself a big batch of tunafish salad with hard-boiled egg and little apple pieces just like Grandma used to make. I like remembering Grandma. She loved us so much.

My friend Tom from my group called, and we talked for a very long while. Or actually, he talked, and I listened to him recount his experiences with a guy he's recently met several times while roller-blading on the Katy Trail. Tom said that he had no expectations about what was to come of it which is good, but I told him that it sounded to me like he had negative expectations -- waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go wrong.

I saw myself in what I was saying to him because I know that my uneasiness with these feelings of attraction stems, at least in part, from the expectation that they or the person to which they're directed will go away and be replaced by hurt and disappointment because that's what's always happened in the past. I'm then reminded of my days as a compliance supervisor at a securities firm where we had to insist that our brokers always state: "Past performance does not guarantee future results."

This morning, I made my bed, visited the little boys room, made my coffee, and sat outside on my kitchen stoop looking at the bees and butterflies in the wildflower garden I planted this spring. This summer, I've gotten so busy and have not been waking up early enough to enjoy that. It was very cool and beautiful and peaceful outside. I miss doing that. I'm going to do it more often.

:: Kyle 6:03 AM 0 comments
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