:: sweettalk ::

:: Sunday, August 17, 2003 ::

troubled

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-
that where there is hatred, I may bring love-
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony-
that where there is error, I may bring truth-
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-
that where there is despair, I may bring hope-
that where there are shadows, I may bring light-
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather
to comfort than to be comforted-
to understand than to be understood-
to love than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

If we are not stupid or insincere when we say that the good or ill of man lies within his own will, and that all beside is nothing to us, why are we still troubled? -- Epictetus, Discourses

I am forcing myself to blog this evening. I've not felt right for most of the past week, and I definitely don't feel like writing right now but feel that I must to get it out whatever it is.

A synopsis of the past week. Last Saturday night, I took one of my sponsees from Wilmer out on his first sponsor pass. We went to dinner at Lucky's and then to a speaker meeting at Lambda. The speaker happened to be a lady who had also been in rehab at Wilmer after being convicted of seven felonies. She recounted her story and the miracles God had worked in her life over the past fifteen years. What a God-thing that was!

On the way back, I told my sponsee that I was glad that he had asked me to sponsor him and that he was doing well on his step work. He replied by telling me how he had never talked to another male like this and how grateful he is to have me as a sponsor. When he called me his angel, I began to tear up. It was such a great and moving evening.

Monday night, I had to miss going down to the jail because we had to work until ten o'clock on the budget. I tried to call our team leader, but I think he must not work where he was before because the voicemail on his number has changed. By Wednesday, all the work had caught up with me, and I just felt drained all day. I went to bed about nine that night. I was also beginning to worry about work interfering with school when it begins in a couple of weeks. I may have to talk to Jeremy about it. I think I was also somewhat sick during the latter half of the week because I kept having diarrhea. Yuck!

Yesterday, I met Rossdog for breakfast and he proceeded to get royally pissed at me because he thought I wasn't paying attention to one of his stories. I have been rather distracted lately, but he eventually got over it. I went to the men's meeting, picked up my meds, got my oil and transmission fluid changed and then went to Cuba Libre for our Preservation Dallas Membership Committee meeting. My old roommate Steph met me there, and I think she's going to be involved on the committee. We went to Urban Home afterwards so she could check on one of the sofas she and Scott had ordered. I went to AutoSpa later to get my car washed and then dashed back home to email Allen that I would be late getting home and to check on Saturday night meetings to take my sponsee.

I drove down to Wilmer to pick him up, and we met his wife and kids at McDonald's on Northwest Highway and Plano Road. Cute kids! Then we found the Lake Highlands group where he saw a member of another jail team at Lew Sterrett. Another God-thing!

After I got home, Allen called for our nightly chat, and I told him how I had been feeling all day. On the previous night when we had disagreed about what we like in houses and swimming pools, I realized how great my selfishness really is and how much I don't want to have to compromise in decision-making. I also realized the enormity of change I must go through to reach a point of being part of a team or partnership. I became very scared and overwhelmed. When I shared this with him, he immediately said that he didn't want to cause me any turmoil and that we could call things off right now if I liked. I told him that that wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted him to know the revelation I'd had and share my fears with him. He was so compassionate and kind and understanding and supportive. I began to cry. After being with my sponsee that night and talking to Allen, I suddenly felt very relaxed and peaceful. Thank You God!

Today was kind of a lazy non-productive day in the beginning. I met Kal and her beautiful daughter Isabella at Snuffer's for a late lunch. Kal and I hung out with our friend David back in 1989 and did lots of ecstacy and crystal. I haven't seen her since, but she and I reconnected recently through email and found out a little about each other's adventures in sobriety. I so enjoyed seeing her again and am so glad she is doing well.

Tonight I chaired the six o'clock meeting on peace and serenity and then went by the grocery store to restock. Now I want to do absolutely nothing but need to do dishes and laundry. Ugggh! I just want this uneasy feeling to go away. Don't know what it is, but I want it to pass soon.

Until I write again--

:: Kyle 6:53 PM 0 comments
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