:: sweettalk ::

:: Thursday, September 25, 2003 ::

better

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. -- I Corinthians 13:4-10

Better trust all, and be deceived,
And weep that trust and that deceiving,
Than doubt one heart, that if believed
Had blessed one’s life with true believing.
-- Frances Anne Kemble, Faith

Men might be better if we better deemed of them. The worst way to improve the world is to condemn it. -- Philip James Bailey, Festus, Scene iv

Everything's been a bit better since I last blogged. On Tuesday, I apologized and made amends to Craig and Don for my behavior on Monday. I finished up the new Regional Unit Cost report and began work on a couple of new projects for Philip and Jeremy. In the afternoon while sitting outside taking a smoke break, I heard Sheryl and a guy talking about how many people had gotten this flu-like bug, and then it hit me. I was sick. Not so bad to notice, but uncomfortable enough to have made me crabby the past couple of days. Probably partly brought on by the adrenaline rush from all the activity of the past several weeks and a sudden crash on Sunday. Somehow, that made me feel better and somewhat relieved that it was a physical condition and not a spiritual, mental, or emotional one.

After work, I dropped off the books for the guys at Lew Sterrett on Don's porch. I stopped by Eckerd to get some Sudafed, Alka-Selzer Flu caplets, and some more Metamucil. I met the Rebellion Dogs for dinner at Cafe Express on Lovers, and we welcomed our new initiate Mike and set out our schedule for the fall. We'll be studying Came to Believe. I'm looking forward to seeing those guys on a regular basis again.

After dinner, I drove up to UTD to do this week's statistics homework in the computer lab. One problem was kicking my ass. I finally left shortly before eleven o'clock when the cleaning crew began turning off the lights. I came home and talked to Allen for a little while. Whether or not this was wise, I told him that I had reflected most of the day on his question from the previous night. Do I still love him? I realized that I do, but also realized that I do not feel loved by him as I am. I feel like he is constantly trying to fix me and told him so. He didn't know how to respond to that, and I told him that he needn't respond. I just wanted to share how I was feeling.

Yesterday, I emailed him in the morning to thank him for listening and admitted that there must be something I need to look at in this whole situation. During the day, I reflected on this quite a bit. I realized that I am not afraid of him leaving me. That's happened several times before with other men so it wouldn't be unusual. I am afraid of losing or giving up control over the choices I make in my life. I am afraid of the conflict that arises when he wants me to do something or change something and I choose not to. For some reason, he thinks that being my boyfriend entitles him to a say in how I run my life whether or not it affects him kind of like parents did. I just don't know. It gets me all confused. I do know that I tend to get defensive when people tell me what I should do. I don't hear it as a suggestion. I hear it as criticism, and I don't like that, but I need to work on that.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day at work, and I made a 100 on my statistics homework from last week. I know from last night's class that I missed a couple of questions on this week's homework. It's getting more and more complex very quickly. I'm going to need to buckle down and do some real studying.

Last night, when I arrived home from class, I called my sponsee Charlie because we hadn't talked in a few days. He was on the phone with his mother so while I was waiting for him to call back, I checked my voicemail messages. On them was a message from Allen telling me that he wouldn't be home to talk when I got home because he was in New Orleans getting drunk. I didn't know what to do with that because I have no experience except my own from which to draw. After I talked to my sponsee Charlie, I tried calling my sponsor Charlie and fellow Dawg Dan but neither answered. I left a message for my friend Tom, and he called back after a while. I caught him up on the progression of the relationship over the past few weeks. He agreed with Charlie's previous suggestion that I needn't do anything but sit and deal with it as it comes. I didn't need to break up with Allen because he got drunk. Non-alcoholics do that sometimes. So we'll see how it goes.

:: Kyle 6:38 AM 0 comments
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