:: sweettalk ::

:: Tuesday, September 09, 2003 ::

freedom

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

'A POET'!--He hath put his heart to school,
Nor dares to move unpropped upon the staff
Which Art hath lodged within his hand--must laugh
By precept only, and shed tears by rule.
Thy Art be Nature; the live current quaff,
And let the groveller sip his stagnant pool,
In fear that else, when Critics grave and cool
Have killed him, Scorn should write his epitaph.
How does the Meadow-flower its bloom unfold?
Because the lovely little flower is free
Down to its root, and, in that freedom, bold;
And so the grandeur of the Forest-tree
Comes not by casting in a formal mould,
But from its 'own' divine vitality.
-- William Wordsworth, I, 1842


Yesterday was a bitch of a day for no reason in particular. My Cajun Prince boyfriend Allen left for home on Sunday after spending ten wonderful days with me, so I was a little blue about that. I took a nap and got plenty of sleep on Sunday, but I dreaded going into work. I can't even put my finger on why except that it seems extremely tedious, boring, and not at all useful to others.

After work I took an AA meeting down to the jail where the topic was self-pity. How appropriate! One of the guys shared about how he looked forward to being free again after he talked to a couple of former inmates who had been released. While he was talking, I realized how imprisoned I feel but it is all of my own making. Everything I do today is something I choose or have chosen to do. I'm free, but I certainly don't act like it.

I went to meet my parents for dinner at Chili's in Arlington after the meeting. They make me laugh. They told me about my nephew Brooks' first soccer game and how his team did really well at taking the ball down and scoring; however, when the other team had the ball, his just stood and watched them run and score as if it were their turn. Kids are so funny and show us so much. We so often take for granted that other people should or we ourselves should know how to do things through intuition, genetics, osmosis, or whatever that they or we've never been taught.

When I got home, I called my new sponsee Charlie. We talked about his anger outburst that day, and I gave him a couple of suggestions. I called my sponsor Charlie, and we talked about work and my feeling blue. He told me to give myself a break and that acceptance was the key. He also told me that I had permission to explore other things but not to cut off what I'm doing right now.

I left a message for and emailed Allen who sounded really down on his message yesterday. He returned home to find his aunt in the hospital and was involved in a child support hearing with his ex-wife all day.

God help me to find my mission in life and help me to be compassionate with people who may not know how to do what I think they should. Thank You for allowing me to be free.

:: Kyle 5:58 AM 0 comments
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