:: sweettalk ::

:: Tuesday, September 23, 2003 ::

irritable, restless, and discontent

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

A fretful temper will divide
The closest knot that may be tied,
By ceaseless sharp corrosion;
A temper passionate and fierce
May suddenly your joys disperse
At one immense explosion.
-- William Cowper, Friendship

Better be with the dead,
Whom we, to gain our peace, have sent to peace,
Than on the torture of the mind to lie
In restless ecstasy. Duncan is in his grave;
After life’s fitful fever he sleeps well:
Treason has done his worst; nor steel, nor poison,
Malice domestic, foreign levy, nothing,
Can touch him further.
-- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act III, Sc. 2

Discontent is the want of self-reliance: it is infirmity of will. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays, First Series, Self-Reliance

I don't know what is wrong with me. I was in the most foul mood yesterday. I worked hard all day on figuring out the difference in the 2002 data in the new Regional Unit Cost report and the old one. I talked to Craig who had created the database, and he just told me to make the numbers consistent whether they were correct or not. Things like that piss me off. I excused myself and said that I was going to the bank and told him that I didn't like talking to him when he got like that and thanked him for his help.

I asked Don to meet me at the guard shack so I could give him the books that I had bought for the guys in Lew Sterrett, but I was about five minutes late and saw him running across the street. I rolled down the window and yelled his name but he couldn't hear me. Once I parked my car, I ran in after him, but the security guard wouldn't let me in because I'd left my work security badge in my pocket, and they don't allow the attached string in the building. I felt like I could shoot someone about then.

I had intended to go to a meeting but it was already six o'clock and I definitely wasn't in the solution. I came home and sat on the porch and talked to the guys from next door and from upstairs. I felt a little better after that. I put a load of laundry in the washer and proceeded to plant the flowers I'd bought last weekend. I felt a little better after that. I did a couple of more loads of laundry and made some picadillo and could at least talk to Allen last night. I had thought of taking the night off because I thought I might take my anger out on him, and I don't want to do that. At one point, he asked if I still loved him, and I said that I did, but honestly, I couldn't tell. I didn't feel love for anyone at that moment. I'm definitely tired of feeling like he's trying to fix me. I hope I get over all this soon. Not fun.

:: Kyle 6:56 AM 0 comments
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