:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, October 04, 2003 ::

surrender

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

We can do without any article of luxury we have never had; but when once obtained, it is not in human nature to surrender it voluntarily. -- Thomas Chandler Haliburton, The Clockmaker

No other terms than unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works. -- Ulysses Simpson Grant, To Gen. S. B. Buckner, Fort Donelson, February 16, 1862

I don't know what's going on with me, but something has to change. I don't guess it has to change, but if it doesn't, I fear the worst. I'm going to take my old sponsor Dan's approach. When he feels disturbed, he looks at the different areas of his life to see what's out of whack.

Physically, I feel no different. I know my health is better than it's ever been. My cholesterol is normal now, my HIV and Hepatitis B viral loads are or are approaching undetectable. Nonetheless, I often feel tired and I believe I am continuing to lose weight. Although I'm glad to not be overweight anymore, I'm now underweight, and don't have much of an appetite. In fact, I don't have much sense of taste at all. I could get some Ensure and protein bars and begin working out, but when?

Mentally, I really can't say. So much has been going on lately that I'm having difficulty retaining it all. My life was so much simpler just a few months ago, and I had so much more time to rest my brain. I miss that. I was about to write that I enjoy being around others more, but I'm not sure that I honestly do. It's more that I feel like I'm supposed to enjoy it and it's good for me, but actually, it's stressful. I seem to soak up everything they're feeling.

Emotionally, I've been a roller-coaster, but mostly I've had days like yesterday, where I felt nothing but restless, irritable, and discontent. I have this persistent feeling like I want to cry but can't. It's all I can do to maintain my composure during the day. I want to blame it on work or other things but work's just work. I feel there's something else eating at me, and I can't get to what. It's right in front of me but I can't see the forest for the trees.

Spirirtually, I feel totally disconnected from my Higher Power. I still wake up and say my prayers every morning and pray often during the day, but I have no idea whether or not I'm within God's will. I pray for the willingness to see that, but nothing comes. I just don't know and don't know what else to do about it.

Financially, I seem to be just getting by. My accounts are all in order; my bills keep getting paid, but I don't seem to be making much headway. I don't know what to do different.

God, there's so much I want to do, and I feel You have so much in store for me. My instinct is to bombard these perceived problems with my will, but I know from experience that's not the answer. PLEASE help me see what to do not only so I'll feel better, but also to be of use to You and my fellows. I surrender.

:: Kyle 5:50 AM 0 comments
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