:: sweettalk ::

:: Monday, October 27, 2003 ::

want

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

In each human heart terror survives
The ruin it has gorged: the loftiest fear
All that they would disdain to think were true:
Hypocrisy and custom make their minds
The fanes of many a worship, now outworn.
They dare not devise good for man's estate,
And yet they know not that they do not dare.
The good want power but to weep barren tears.
The powerful goodness want: worse need for them.
The wise want love; and those who love want wisdom;
And all best things are thus confused to ill.
Many are strong and rich, and would be just,
But live among their suffering fellow-men
As if none felt: they know not what they do.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley, Prometheus Unbound

I want to know whether you are a person devoted to creating or to exchanging in some respect or other: as a creator you belong to the free, as an exchanger you are their slave and instrument. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Sämtliche Werke: Kritische Studienausgabe, Vol. 10

I want to know and to be and to do. -- Agnes E. Meyer, Out of These Roots

... I want to live and be happy. I believe that we cannot be one or the other by pushing the absurd to all its consequences. I am like everyone. To feel liberated, I sometimes wish death on my loved ones, I covet the wives forbidden to me by the laws of family and friendship. To be logical, I should then kill or possess. But I judge that these vague ideas are unimportant. I everyone tried to put them to reality, we could neither live nor be happy. -- Albert Camus, Cherea in Caligula

This was a pretty good weekend. I was worn out by Friday night so I came straight home instead of going to a meeting. Probably not the best idea, but that's what I did. I made a new tuna casserole I looked up and it was mmmm mmmm good. Talked to Allen Friday night after missing a couple of nights last week. For some reason, I woke up at about 3:30 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

Met Ross for breakfast at Lucky's on Saturday morning, went by the PO box for Lambda, and then came back home. I usually go to the men's AA meeting on Saturday mornings but I was still pooped from not getting enough sleep. Wrapped Bart and Hailee's presents and took a little bit of a nap that afternoon. On Saturday night, Ross and I went to see our friend Donald aka "ActorDude" in the musical Kiss of the Spiderwoman. Donald was fabulous as was the whole show. I cried during the song "Dear One". Saw Steve from Lambda and Raul whom I used to date a few years ago. Good to see him again.

Yesterday morning I didn't do much but play a little more Civilization III, this time as Joan of Arc. I dressed and drove over to Fort Worth to meet Mom and Dad for lunch at Pappadeaux. Afterwards I took them to see the Modern Art Museum. Beautiful building but none of us understood the artwork. I drove through downtown Fort Worth and then headed over to UTD to do my homework in the computer lab, but a network problem had caused STATA to be unavailable. I went by Barnes and Noble on the way home and picked up The Alchemist which Dan's friend Arun had recommended and the next book in the Dune series, The Butlerian Jihad, which I didn't even know had been published last year. I got a vanilla latte and came home and read on the couch. Later I made some delicious Potato and Turkey Sausage soup and then read some more before falling asleep.

Lately, I've been thinking about what I want. Although I feel better, I am still in something like a malaise. Somewhere along the line in sobriety, I've begun to disregard what I want and focus more on acceptance of what is. I think I've become afraid of wanting because that so often led to compulsion before. Those old feelings are coming back now, not of compulsion but of wanting and desiring. I need to find a way to allow that back in my life without the destructive behavior.

Please help me God. I know You will.

:: Kyle 7:17 AM 0 comments
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