:: sweettalk ::

:: Saturday, November 15, 2003 ::

willingness

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

I love him whose soul is deep even in the wounding, and may perish through a small matter: thus he goes willingly over the bridge. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Faith means belief in something concerning which doubt is still theoretically possible; and as the test of belief is willingness to act, one may say that faith is the readiness to act in a cause the prosperous issue of which is not certified to us in advance. -- William James, Essays in Pragmatism

All of the great leaders have had one characteristic in common: it was the willingness to confront unequivocally the major anxiety of their people in their time. This, and not much else, is the essence of leadership. -- John Kenneth Galbraith, The Age of Uncertainty

We must be willing to change chairs if we want to grow. There is no permanent compatibility between a chair and a person. And there is no one right chair. What is right at one stage may be restricting at another or too soft. During the passage from one stage to another, we will be between two chairs. Wobbling no doubt, but developing. -- Gail Sheehy, Passages

I feel like such a burden has been lifted. I didn't sleep very well or much Thursday night, so yesterday seem to drag on a bit by the afternoon. Regardless, I was pleased that no commotion ensued yesterday morning when I arrived at work. There were a couple of tweaks that needed to be made to Unit Cost report before publishing, but all in all, it went well. I felt very proud just to have gotten it all done without having a nervous breakdown, and Vicki was very appreciative that I had put everything in order for her to copy.

We had our Finance Thanksgiving dinner at lunch. In the afternoon, Craig told me he found something else wrong with the database. I told him that I had fixed one of the things, and he said no I hadn't. I felt my blood pressure begin to boil at that point, but thank God for restraint of pen and tongue. I was too tired to argue, so I told him that he could go ahead and fix it. It turns out that he was right after all. I hate the feeling when I get like that but I am very thankful that today I don't always react the way I'd like.

After work, I was really dragging, but I had told Marcus that I would pick him up from work and take him to dinner and an AA meeting. I arrived early and cleaned out my car. At six o'clock, I went to his office which was dark and locked. I waited for about twenty more minutes, called to check my messages, and drove around the building to see if he was waiting for me somewhere else, but he wasn't. I finally left and came home. I hope that he just forgot or something came up, and nothing has happened to him. In any event, I showed up and did my part. It's all in God's hands now.

I ended up falling asleep for a couple of hours and then chatted some on gay.com and m4m4sex. I really like this Jeff guy who responded to the email I sent him. Very sexy man. For now, I'm committed to not diving into another relationship even if it's local. I just find it all too stressful right now. Friendship and/or sex for me right now. We'll see how that goes.

I could not fall asleep until almost three o'clock. Rossdog called at seven-thirty and I was half-dreaming and trying to answer the remote control. We met and had a good breakfast at Lucky's and got to chat with Patrick and ActorDude. I went by Starbucks for a vanilla latte and to read the paper. I went by the post office to pick up my delivery of discount Russian Marlboro Lights and to retrieve the mail from Lambda's PO box. I collected the money from the safe and Lambda and went to the men's AA meeting. Afterwards, several of us went to the Market Diner. I got to visit with Chuck, Jim, and Jeff.

I tried to go up and get my auto registration, but they were closed. I went by Jiffy-Lube to get my car inspected, my oil changed, and my radiator flushed. I had time to read a chapter and a half of Came to Believe. I went by Kinko's to make a copy of my auto liability insurance for my registration, and then by Kroger for some laundry quarters and to restock on vittles. On the way home, I drove by the house I like on Vandelia, and it's still for sale. I sure wish I could afford to buy it. All in time, my son, all in time.

I just finished doing all the dishes I could before the hot water ran out. I just checked my email and received one from another Jeff in Deep Ellum. Everybody wants more pics. I might take one of my chest or torso, but I don't feel real comfortable sending naked ones. You never know where they might end up. Now to laundry and counting the money for Lambda. It feels good to be productive again. Thank You God.

:: Kyle 1:32 PM 0 comments
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