:: sweettalk ::

:: Wednesday, January 28, 2004 ::

honesty

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Sharpness does not earn one money, and honesty will not lose money. -- Chinese proverb

Honesty is the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

Faultless honesty is a sine qua non of business life. Not alone the honesty according to the moral code and the Bible. When I speak of honesty I refer to the small, hidden, evasive meannesses of our natures. I speak of the honesty of ourselves to ourselves. -- Alice Foote MacDougall, The Autobiography of a Business Woman

Another day on the bench yesterday. I spent the morning responding to emails and searching for possible positions. I found a very interesting one as an Economic Research Assistant at the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas and another as a Senior Financial Analyst at JP Morgan Chase. I looked up Oracle 11i project lead candidate resumes for a school district project MR is trying to staff.

I'd been thinking about my masseur John. I knew he used to regularly visit the building my office is in to give chair massages to people at Oxy. I left a message on his voicemail and asked him to stop by our floor if he happened to be in this week. He stopped by around noon, and we went downstairs for lunch. He is so great and one of the sweetest men I know.

I spent the afternoon looking at furniture websites and called Starkey from our group to find out to whom I should take my car to have my windshield repaired. She gave me the name of a guy in Deep Ellum, and it's not going to cost as much as I thought. After work, I went by Starbucks for a White Chocolate Mocha. David G was there, and he rode with me to Office Depot to get some envelopes and labels for Lambda. He just started a new job, and I gave him my card so that he can email questions he may have about QuickBooks or Access.

We went up to the six o'clock meeting which Kelly led on honesty. It really got me thinking about how far I've come and how far I've got to go. When I entered rehab at Sierra Tucson, I had a difficult time distinguishing reality from all the clatter going on in my head, or the committee meetings as we call it. I rarely voiced my opinion about anything, at least on the rare occasions when I was sober, because I didn't feel that it counted and I was afraid of the consequences if I did.

At Sierra Tucson, they taught me to separate other people's behavior from my feelings which were difficult enough for me to identify at the time. "When you..., I feel...." "When you..., I feel...." "When you..., I feel...." I remember that oh too well, but it really helped me. I began to realize that nobody could MAKE me feel anything, and when I felt hurt or angry after someone did or didn't do something, I had always assumed they intended to hurt or anger me. What an ego-centric universe I lived in! Anyway, my poor friends and family bore the brunt of my awkward first attempts at being more rigorously honest. Today, I can usually trust my gut to tell me when and how to do so, but the rigorous part stuck out for me last night. I really need to look at how rigorous I'm being.

After the meeting, I was a little rattled by what someone told me about my mortgage broker, and that sent me into a panic. I drove over to Arlington to meet Mom and Dad for dinner at Chili's, and we had a good visit. Dad's eye looks much better, but I worry about him still practicing medicine with his impaired hearing. I'm sure his office isn't as noisy as Chili's, but it still concerns me.

After dinner, I came home and left a message for my sponsor Charlie and then had a chance to talk to my old sponsor Dan about what had rattled me earlier. I did a little online research and feel a bit less distressed this morning. Now, on to another day to see what surprises it holds.

:: Kyle 5:09 AM 0 comments
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