:: sweettalk ::

:: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 ::

reality

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Reality does not conform to the ideal, but confirms it. -- Gustave Flaubert, Pensées de Gustave Flaubert

Reality is the beginning not the end,
Naked Alpha, not the hierophant Omega,
Of dense investiture, with luminous vassals.
-- Wallace Stevens, “An Ordinary Evening in New Haven”

Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible. -- Salman Rushdie, “All-India Radio”, Midnight’s Children

Monday was a normal day at work. I found the missing journal entry but really didn't make much headway in the reconciliation. I decided to try a new approach. After work, I ran by the bank to transfer money from Lambda's checking account to money market and then on to Lew Sterrett for my last jail meeting. The topic was reality, and I disagreed with one of the inmates and said that reality does not suck in my opinion. Reality is what reality is. It's my acceptance of and reaction to it that cause me to be happy and peaceful about it or not. It's all about acceptance and living life on life's own terms.

I didn't do much Monday night but couldn't really sleep. Yesterday morning, I awoke late and arrived at work much later than normal. However, I did complete my new approach to the reconciliation which I'll discuss with Kyle the controller today. Seems they've money scattered all over the place. No wonder it's out of whack.

After work, I ran by the post office to pick up my Russian discount cigarettes and by Lambda to reimburse Stu but he'd not yet left his receipts. I came home and called him and called Joe about taking money for phone lists without leaving receipts. I talked to Joe a while and then decided to cook. I made a great Artichoke and Spinach Lasagna and some garlic bread.

I had another vivid dream last night. What I remember is sitting in some type of bar like that at Dave and Buster's with odd people from my past like Keri, a friend from high school, Steve, a fraternity brother I wasn't really fond of who was pretentious and IFC President, and some people from Accountemps. It turns out we must have been pledging some sort of co-ed fraternity but we we were all the age we are now. Some tall basketball-playing lesbian had us run shots. I wasn't sure what to do since I don't drink. I told them I could run them but someone else would have to drink them or I could run shots of water. Then at the end Molly Ringwald came along with her new TV program and she was a lesbian, too. Weird.

I wrote to Joe yesterday about my message to the universe last May. He seemed to be glad that I shared it. I really don't know the reason for sharing it with him, but one thing I am enjoying is dating with no agenda. I don't know that I've ever dated someone without the expectation of it becoming something other than what it is right now and enjoying the present. I can see now in my past behavior a need to HAVE a boyfriend, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it as proof to others and myself that I am wanted and desirable. That's driven by lust, insecurity, and a desire to possess and is not fair to the other person or to me. This need not be anything than it is, and that's OK. Taking the expectation out of it also removes a lot of the stress for me. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me and is good to realize.

:: Kyle 6:23 AM 0 comments
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