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:: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 ::

uncertainty

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Uncertainty is the refuge of hope. -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel, Journal Intime, entry for January 23, 1881

To quarrel with the uncertainty that besets us in intellectual affairs would be about as reasonable as to object to live one’s life with due thought for the morrow because no man can be sure he will alive an hour hence. -- Thomas Henry Huxley, Reflection #140, Aphorisms and Reflections, selected by Henrietta A. Huxley, Macmillan

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers. -- Erich Fromm, Man for Himself

So many things have happened since Friday. When I wasn't focused on work, I thought about my email to Joe. I was not in a particularly good mood by the time I left work. I went to the six o'clock AA meeting which Jeff led on sex, particularly pages 69 through 70 in the Big Book. When I arrived home, Joe had left me a voicemail message saying nothing in particularly, just saying hello.

Saturday was busy. I awoke really early and sent Joe an email of apology. Even though I had used a bit of restraint of pen and tongue in saying what I did Friday morning, I knew what I had been thinking. Although I did have reservations about his reservations, I had reacted out of wounded ego. I am not entitled to and don't have a claim on his time.

I met Rossdog for breakfast at Lucky's. We had a good time, and he gave me the script for his short film. I went to the men's AA meeting which David led on feelings and being vulnerable. I went by the bank to make a deposit for Lambda and came home and continued to work some on the financials. At three o'clock, my parents, my sister-in-law, my niece Grace, and my Uncle Hal met my Realtor David and me to look at condos. They were so helpful. They knew what things for which to look and how much things would cost to do. We all really liked one in particular overlooking Turtle Creek. I went to Hailee's soccer game afterwards and then stopped by Great Indoors and Home Depot Expo to shop for the home I hadn't even made an offer on yet.

I came home and vegged in front of the TV. Joe had called and left an voicemail message. I had to laugh at myself because I had been having an argument with him for two days, and it was obvious from his message that he hadn't had time to check email and was oblivious to the whole thing. I fell asleep really early. It had been a long, stressful day.

I received an email from Joe on Sunday morning. He totally understood how I felt and thanked me for being honest with him. We talked on the phone that morning and made plans for dinner Tuesday night. I continued working on the plans for my new home-to-be. My fellow Rebellion Dog Chuck called, and we met for a late lunch at Lucky's. He's a good guy, and I'm really glad he's joined our group. We had a good talk, and he was feeling a bit discombobulated, so he accompanied me as I ran some errands and did some furniture shopping Crate & Barrel and some other stores on Knox.

I came home and got ready to go to Arlington and pick up my grandmother to take to the Livestock Show Rodeo in Fort Worth. By the time I arrived at my parents house, Granny thought it was too cold to get out, so Ross and I took Mom instead. We all had a great time watching the "Best of Mexico" rodeo.

When I finally got home, I got online and chatted a bit with Dean, a friend I've made on there. We were both looking for someone to cuddle up with, so I went over to his place and really enjoyed it.

Monday morning, I came home and didn't do much until I met my Realtor to look at the condo we liked and some others. I showed him the plan I had drawn up, and he said that I've already bought the place if I've done that much work already. When he began talking about making an offer, I became very nervous.

Monday night, I was able to attend the business meeting because we didn't have class thanks to Dr. King. I delivered my Treasurer's report and the group was pleased that we had met our prudent reserve and had begun contributing again to the organizations we support.

Yesterday, I finished up my project at The Child Care Group and went to the dentist for my three-month cleaning. Joe didn't sleep well and feeling bad again, so he stopped by last night on his way home, but we didn't go to dinner. I talked to Mom and Dad about making the offer to see what they thought. They were encouraging and thought buying a home was great, but they were concerned at my lack of reserves. I am, too.

Now, I've got to finish getting my financial documents together for the mortgage application. At least I can do that. We'll see about making the offer later.

:: Kyle 5:29 AM 0 comments
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