:: sweettalk ::

:: Wednesday, January 28, 2004 ::

honesty

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Sharpness does not earn one money, and honesty will not lose money. -- Chinese proverb

Honesty is the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

Faultless honesty is a sine qua non of business life. Not alone the honesty according to the moral code and the Bible. When I speak of honesty I refer to the small, hidden, evasive meannesses of our natures. I speak of the honesty of ourselves to ourselves. -- Alice Foote MacDougall, The Autobiography of a Business Woman

Another day on the bench yesterday. I spent the morning responding to emails and searching for possible positions. I found a very interesting one as an Economic Research Assistant at the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas and another as a Senior Financial Analyst at JP Morgan Chase. I looked up Oracle 11i project lead candidate resumes for a school district project MR is trying to staff.

I'd been thinking about my masseur John. I knew he used to regularly visit the building my office is in to give chair massages to people at Oxy. I left a message on his voicemail and asked him to stop by our floor if he happened to be in this week. He stopped by around noon, and we went downstairs for lunch. He is so great and one of the sweetest men I know.

I spent the afternoon looking at furniture websites and called Starkey from our group to find out to whom I should take my car to have my windshield repaired. She gave me the name of a guy in Deep Ellum, and it's not going to cost as much as I thought. After work, I went by Starbucks for a White Chocolate Mocha. David G was there, and he rode with me to Office Depot to get some envelopes and labels for Lambda. He just started a new job, and I gave him my card so that he can email questions he may have about QuickBooks or Access.

We went up to the six o'clock meeting which Kelly led on honesty. It really got me thinking about how far I've come and how far I've got to go. When I entered rehab at Sierra Tucson, I had a difficult time distinguishing reality from all the clatter going on in my head, or the committee meetings as we call it. I rarely voiced my opinion about anything, at least on the rare occasions when I was sober, because I didn't feel that it counted and I was afraid of the consequences if I did.

At Sierra Tucson, they taught me to separate other people's behavior from my feelings which were difficult enough for me to identify at the time. "When you..., I feel...." "When you..., I feel...." "When you..., I feel...." I remember that oh too well, but it really helped me. I began to realize that nobody could MAKE me feel anything, and when I felt hurt or angry after someone did or didn't do something, I had always assumed they intended to hurt or anger me. What an ego-centric universe I lived in! Anyway, my poor friends and family bore the brunt of my awkward first attempts at being more rigorously honest. Today, I can usually trust my gut to tell me when and how to do so, but the rigorous part stuck out for me last night. I really need to look at how rigorous I'm being.

After the meeting, I was a little rattled by what someone told me about my mortgage broker, and that sent me into a panic. I drove over to Arlington to meet Mom and Dad for dinner at Chili's, and we had a good visit. Dad's eye looks much better, but I worry about him still practicing medicine with his impaired hearing. I'm sure his office isn't as noisy as Chili's, but it still concerns me.

After dinner, I came home and left a message for my sponsor Charlie and then had a chance to talk to my old sponsor Dan about what had rattled me earlier. I did a little online research and feel a bit less distressed this morning. Now, on to another day to see what surprises it holds.

:: Kyle 5:09 AM 0 comments
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:: Tuesday, January 27, 2004 ::

connection

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

The connection between our knowledge and the abyss of being is still real, and the explication must be not less magnificent. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Plato: New Readings,” Representative Men

The order and connection of ideas is the same as the order and connection of things. -- Baruch Spinoza, Ethics

Growing has no connection with audience. / Audience has no connection with identity. / Identity has no connection with a universe. / A universe has no connection with human nature. -- Gertrude Stein, The Geographical History of America

Yesterday was great. I was on the bench. I finished my reading for class and got some other things done. I spoke to Marcus and gave him some job leads. I felt very connected to the universe. Class was good. I really like the professor.

By the time, I got home, I felt irritable and discontent, not restless though. I just don't know what to do about Joe and don't know why it seems to be such a big deal to me. I awoke this morning envisioning him waving me toward him with one arm while stiff-arming me and holding me back with the other. I think it's time to let him go. I'm tired of chasing him down. People make time for what's important to them. I need to accept that and move on.

Today I'm anxious about the big crack in my windshield and about making sure the closing costs on the condo are covered. Take it, God. Take all of it please.

:: Kyle 6:20 AM 0 comments
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:: Monday, January 26, 2004 ::

moving

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Moving, yet still.
So they run on,
Until, with a falter,
A flicker soon gone
Their pace starts to alter....
-- Philip Larkin, “Tops”

In fast-moving, progress-conscious America, the consumer expects to be dizzied by progress. If he could completely understand advertising jargon he would be badly disappointed. The half-intelligibility which we expect, or even hope, to find in the latest product language personally reassures each of us that progress is being made: that the pace exceeds our ability to follow. -- Daniel J. Boorstin, The Image

Put me on a moving train if I’m sick, and I’ll get well. It’s good for mind and body to get out and see the world. -- Maria D. Brown, as quoted in Grandmother Brown’s Hundred Years, by Harriet Connor Brown

Baby's got a new home! After I arrived home from study group and doing my homework on Saturday, my Realtor David called to tell me that the Seller had accepted my counter-counter-offer on the condo. I called my parents, my brother Bart and his wife Jennifer, my old sponsor Dan, and my Uncle Hal to give them the news and to thank them for their help. That night I tried a new recipe for Manhattan Clam Chowder, and boy, was it good.

Yesterday morning, I met David and his partner Mark at Starbucks to give him the checks for earnest money, option fee, and inspection and to discuss the closing. I came back home and worked on my floorplan for the condo. I've got it all figured out. Now, I'll have to find a way to fund my grand design, but it will be beautiful even if I do nothing.

Yesterday afternoon, I went over to meet Tony, a guy I'd met online, for a little afternoon delight. I'd actually met him a few times several years ago at the baths and at some Positive Personals get-togethers. It was good to see him again. Mostly, we just laid around and talked.

Last night, I decided to make some Shrimp Creole for dinner and do some much needed laundry. Around ten, I began chatting with Dean who I'd met last week, and he invited me over again. I took him the leftover chowder from Saturday night. He sure is funny and a good kisser, too.

Anyway, I'm back and getting ready for another day on the bench. Hope they find a new assignment for me soon. Everything's gone so smoothly so far. I don't want anything to mess up the closing.

:: Kyle 6:09 AM 0 comments
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:: Friday, January 23, 2004 ::

home

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life’s undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room, from which we go forth to more careful and guarded intercourse, leaving behind us much debris of cast-off and everyday clothing. -- Harriet Beecher Stowe, Little Foxes

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. -- Charles Dickens, Martin Chuzzlewit

There's no place like home. There's no place like home! -- Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

Well, I did it. My Realtor David and I completed the contract yesterday, and I made my first offer on a condo. I had dinner with my mortgage broker Bill and a friend Will who lives in that building last night at Lucky's and gave Bill the documents needed for my mortgage application. Now, I guess it's just wait-and-see. I can't seem to quit designing the condo in my head. I have fabulous plans for it.

I also received an email from a very handsome, hunky man from online. Looking forward to meeting him. I'm feeling much more relaxed now. Glad this week is almost over.

:: Kyle 5:36 AM 0 comments
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:: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 ::

uncertainty

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Uncertainty is the refuge of hope. -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel, Journal Intime, entry for January 23, 1881

To quarrel with the uncertainty that besets us in intellectual affairs would be about as reasonable as to object to live one’s life with due thought for the morrow because no man can be sure he will alive an hour hence. -- Thomas Henry Huxley, Reflection #140, Aphorisms and Reflections, selected by Henrietta A. Huxley, Macmillan

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers. -- Erich Fromm, Man for Himself

So many things have happened since Friday. When I wasn't focused on work, I thought about my email to Joe. I was not in a particularly good mood by the time I left work. I went to the six o'clock AA meeting which Jeff led on sex, particularly pages 69 through 70 in the Big Book. When I arrived home, Joe had left me a voicemail message saying nothing in particularly, just saying hello.

Saturday was busy. I awoke really early and sent Joe an email of apology. Even though I had used a bit of restraint of pen and tongue in saying what I did Friday morning, I knew what I had been thinking. Although I did have reservations about his reservations, I had reacted out of wounded ego. I am not entitled to and don't have a claim on his time.

I met Rossdog for breakfast at Lucky's. We had a good time, and he gave me the script for his short film. I went to the men's AA meeting which David led on feelings and being vulnerable. I went by the bank to make a deposit for Lambda and came home and continued to work some on the financials. At three o'clock, my parents, my sister-in-law, my niece Grace, and my Uncle Hal met my Realtor David and me to look at condos. They were so helpful. They knew what things for which to look and how much things would cost to do. We all really liked one in particular overlooking Turtle Creek. I went to Hailee's soccer game afterwards and then stopped by Great Indoors and Home Depot Expo to shop for the home I hadn't even made an offer on yet.

I came home and vegged in front of the TV. Joe had called and left an voicemail message. I had to laugh at myself because I had been having an argument with him for two days, and it was obvious from his message that he hadn't had time to check email and was oblivious to the whole thing. I fell asleep really early. It had been a long, stressful day.

I received an email from Joe on Sunday morning. He totally understood how I felt and thanked me for being honest with him. We talked on the phone that morning and made plans for dinner Tuesday night. I continued working on the plans for my new home-to-be. My fellow Rebellion Dog Chuck called, and we met for a late lunch at Lucky's. He's a good guy, and I'm really glad he's joined our group. We had a good talk, and he was feeling a bit discombobulated, so he accompanied me as I ran some errands and did some furniture shopping Crate & Barrel and some other stores on Knox.

I came home and got ready to go to Arlington and pick up my grandmother to take to the Livestock Show Rodeo in Fort Worth. By the time I arrived at my parents house, Granny thought it was too cold to get out, so Ross and I took Mom instead. We all had a great time watching the "Best of Mexico" rodeo.

When I finally got home, I got online and chatted a bit with Dean, a friend I've made on there. We were both looking for someone to cuddle up with, so I went over to his place and really enjoyed it.

Monday morning, I came home and didn't do much until I met my Realtor to look at the condo we liked and some others. I showed him the plan I had drawn up, and he said that I've already bought the place if I've done that much work already. When he began talking about making an offer, I became very nervous.

Monday night, I was able to attend the business meeting because we didn't have class thanks to Dr. King. I delivered my Treasurer's report and the group was pleased that we had met our prudent reserve and had begun contributing again to the organizations we support.

Yesterday, I finished up my project at The Child Care Group and went to the dentist for my three-month cleaning. Joe didn't sleep well and feeling bad again, so he stopped by last night on his way home, but we didn't go to dinner. I talked to Mom and Dad about making the offer to see what they thought. They were encouraging and thought buying a home was great, but they were concerned at my lack of reserves. I am, too.

Now, I've got to finish getting my financial documents together for the mortgage application. At least I can do that. We'll see about making the offer later.

:: Kyle 5:29 AM 0 comments
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:: Friday, January 16, 2004 ::

gifts

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

The great gifts are not got by analysis. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Experience,” Essays, Second Series

The richest gifts we can bestow are the least marketable. We hate the kindness which we understand. -- Henry David Thoreau, Letter, February 12, 1843, to Ralph Waldo Emerson, in The Writings of Henry David Thoreau

... the highest gifts are not measurable in dollars and cents. Beyond and above the class who run an account with the world and merely manage honestly to pay in kind for what they receive, there is a noble army—the Shakespeares and Miltons, the Newtons, Galileos and Darwins,—Watts, Morse, Howe, Lincoln, Garrison, John Brown—a part of the world’s roll of honor—whose price of board and keep dwindles into nothingness when compared with what the world owes them; men who have taken of the world’s bread and paid for it in immortal thoughts, invaluable inventions, new facilities, heroic deeds of loving self-sacrifice; men who dignify the world for their having lived in it and to whom the world will ever bow in grateful worship as its heroes and benefactors. It may not be ours to stamp our genius in enduring characters—but we can give what we are at its best. -- Anna Julia Cooper, A Voice from the South

Yesterday was a pretty good day, too. I finished up the A/P reconciliation through November and December although I screwed up somewhere and uncleared half a cleared transaction, so it took a while to figure out where. Today I'm going to begin looking at some of the other affected accounts, and they've asked me to stay through Tuesday.

I got some money deposited at the bank and came home after work to read the remainder of Came to Believe before the Rebellion Dogs met at Dan's place. It was a good meeting, and I'm glad we've finally finished the book. Last night's chapter was titled "In All Our Affairs", and it really caused me to realize that what I see as a dark period of my life a few years ago gave me some incredible gifts I would likely never have received otherwise -- believing, solitude, health, willingness. Next we're going to re-read the first 164 pages of the Big Book again.

I had expected to here from Joe last night, but he got home late from dinner with his friends. This morning I received an email in which he said he was already booked until Sunday. I replied to his other comments but also told him that I have tentative plans on Sunday and that I have reservations about his reservations. When he's ready and less gunshy and has more time, he's welcome to contact me. In the meantime, it seems more difficult than it should be to get together. I feel angry for some reason, and I don't like that, but this too shall pass.

:: Kyle 6:37 AM 0 comments
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:: Thursday, January 15, 2004 ::

nourishment

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it, that it assimulates every thing to itself as proper nourishment; and, from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of great use. -- Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman

On the tree, Future, we build our nest; and in our solitude eagles shall bring us nourishment in their beaks! -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

... most bereaved souls crave nourishment more tangible than prayers: they want a steak. What is more, they need a steak. Preferably they need it rare, grilled, heavily salted, for that way it is most easily digested, and most quickly turned into the glandular whip their tired adrenals cry for. -- M.F.K. Fisher, An Alphabet for Gourmets

Yesterday was a good day even though I didn't feel so great when I awoke. I met with Kyle and finished preparing the correcting entry for A/P. We reviewed a few of the items about which I had questions, and then I was done. I began looking at the November and December transactions and should be completely done by tomorrow.

After work, I came by home to retrieve my wallet I had left here yesterday and headed up to the six o'clock AA meeting at Lambda which John led on Step Two. I was especially glad to see David and Carrie there. After work, I went by the grocery store and made it home in time to watch The West Wing. I began defrosting the chicken and ended up making both a White Cheese Chicken Lasagna and Crab Ravigote so I have some things to take to lunch.

Joe called and sounds so much better. I really look forward to seeing him again. I separated the money I collected at Lambda last night and should have it counted this evening. I just updated my task list for today and emailed my parents, my sister-in-law, and my Uncle Hal to give them directions to meet to look at condos on Saturday. It feels so good to be productive.

:: Kyle 6:34 AM 0 comments
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:: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 ::

humdrum

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

In the works of man, everything is as poor as its author; vision is confined, means are limited, scope is restricted, movements are labored, and results are humdrum. -- Joseph De Maistre, Considerations on France

Scandal is merely the compassionate allowance which the gay make to the humdrum. Think how many blameless lives are brightened by the blazing indiscretions of other people. -- Hector Hugh Munro Saki, Reginald

The amelioration of the world cannot be achieved by sacrifices in moments of crisis; it depends on the efforts made and constantly repeated during the humdrum, uninspiring periods, which separate one crisis from another, and of which normal lives mainly consist. -- Aldous Huxley, Grey Eminence

Not to much to report on yesterday. I dug into some more journal entry detail at work. I found out that my mortgage broker Bill faxed the pre-qualification letter to my Realtor David. I came home and made some Beef Stroganoff and counted money for Lambda. I watched Judging Amy and was struck by the words "garden of the soul." I like that and wanted to write it down.

I was very tired later but had a difficult time falling to sleep. I didn't hear from Joe until this morning, but it sounds like he slept better. That's about it.

:: Kyle 6:30 AM 0 comments
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:: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 ::

hope

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for goodness and not for calamity, that you may have a future and a hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment. -- Samuel Johnson, Letter, June 8, 1762, Life of Samuel Johnson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tunes without the words—
And never stops—at all—
-- Emily Dickinson, “Hope” is the Thing with Feathers

Well, I've missed a couple of days of blogging, so time to catch up. After work on Friday, I went to the six o'clock AA meeting and prepared some deposit envelopes for the group. Joe and I were supposed to meet that night, but he awoke at four that morning and was running a fever so we postponed. I went to Chuck's house instead to watch the last four chapters of Angels in America with some of the gang instead. It was so great! Very, very moving. I wished Joe could be there with me snuggling on the couch while we were watching.

Anyway, Saturday morning, Rossdog and I met for breakfast at Lucky's. I then went by Kroger to restock and to pick up some things to make a special chicken soup for Joe to help heal him. I went to my Men's AA meeting which Bill S led on hope. My Realtor David and I met to look at condos afterwards, and we saw a beautiful one overlooking Turtle Creek. It's amazing what people can do with so little space when it's arranged well. I then went out to UTD to get a new notebook and to check out what books I would need this semester. After that, I went by Kroger to pick up a new canister for flour, some plastic containers, a candle, and some other items. Finally, I stopped by my Jiffy-Lube to get the remainders of my registration tag scraped off so that I could affix my new one I've had since early December.

Then I got to cooking -- a lot of vegetable chopping and that sort of stuff. I was looking up chicken soup recipes to make for Joe and came across a Peanut Butter Chicken Vegetable Soup which sounded perfect for him since he'll eat peanut butter straight out of the jar. It wasn't difficult to make either. I called my sponsor Charlie to check in and discuss some sort of resentment or jealousy I'd developed regarding Joe. It's amazing how this program works.

After I was through cooking, I went by Blockbuster to pick up a selection of movies for Joe and I to watch that night and then by Pier One to get yet another candle and candle stand since the one I bought at Target wouldn't fit my candle holder. Then I came home, showered, and cleaned up a bit for my cozy night in with Joe. I had planned to send the soup home with him, but we ended up having it for dinner, and it really was good. We watched 10 Things I Hate About You, a teen-age version of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew. It was very good -- light-hearted and funny although neither Joe or I got a couple of the references since we're so long out of high school. He fell asleep against me during part of the movie and went home before ten o'clock. As I've said before, he has some reservations about something, and I'm not sure what they're about. I hope he loosens up soon. Perhaps he will when he feels better.

I chatted online for a while afterwards and ended up going down to Rob's on the next block to visit with him while he got dressed to go out with some friends. Then I came home and sacked out. I was whooped.

Sunday, I did little of anything except look for condos on Realtor.com and layout floorplans of what I would like mine to look like should I buy one. I picked out furniture online, researched doors and refinishing cast iron tubs. I didn't do much else on Sunday and barely remembered to eat. I can really get obsessed about things like this.

Yesterday, I went over the remainder of the journal entries in the reconciliation with Kyle and then spent most of the rest of the day preparing correcting entries. After work, I got some gas and then drove out to my first Advanced Regression Analysis class of the semester. I really like my professor and think the class will be very interesting. I even joined a study group for this semester. I did everything on my own last fall in statistics, so we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, today's another day. Onward and upward.

:: Kyle 6:11 AM 0 comments
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:: Friday, January 09, 2004 ::

change

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Change begets change. Nothing propagates so fast. If a man habituated to a narrow circle of cares and pleasures, out of which he seldom travels, step beyond it, though for never so brief a space, his departure from the monotonous scene on which he has been an actor of importance would seem to be the signal for instant confusion.... The mine which Time has slowly dug beneath familiar objects is sprung in an instant; and what was rock before, becomes but sand and dust. -- Charles Dickens, Martin Chuzzlewit

Change is one thing, progress is another. “Change” is scientific, “progress” is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy. -- Bertrand Russell, Basic Writings of Bertrand Russell. “Philosophy and Politics”

Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict. -- Saul Alinsky, “The Purpose”, Rules for Radicals

Yesterday morning, it was a good feeling writing fairly large contribution checks to Dallas Intergroup, GSO, and the other groups whose twelfth step work Lambda supports. I dropped them off at the post office then headed to work. I spent most of yesterday beating my head against a wall trying to get any further with the reconciliation, but at the end of the day Kyle and I met and went over some of the big journal entries and got those months' bank reconciliations. I should be able to make some more progress today.

After work, I went by the Crate & Barrel Outlet to pick up a couple of new candles and by the grocery store for some nuts, soft drinks, and other things. Chuck had volunteered me to host the Rebellion Dogs last night. We were set to finish Came to Believe but few of us had read it all, so we sat and chatted. After they left, I rehung the pub mirror Dan had pulled from the wall, hung the spice rack Bart and Jennifer gave me, brought the hibiscus in from the cold (I hope I can revive them), and filled the spice bottles. I also found a metal sculpture for my wall at Greg's Metalworks that's very much like the one I was going to build out of wood. I inquired about it, and Greg emailed me twice.

I had a difficult time falling asleep probably because I drank coffee during our study group. I am looking forward to seeing Joe tonight. Thank God it's Friday.

:: Kyle 6:40 AM 0 comments
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:: Thursday, January 08, 2004 ::

progress

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Progress will always have as its recourse to exaggerate what it cannot surpass. -- Franz Grillparzer, “Progress,” Poems

Progress is the life-style of man. The general life of the human race is called Progress, and so is its collective march. Progress advances, it makes the great human and earthly journey towards what is heavenly and divine; it has its pauses, when it rallies the stragglers, its stopping places when it meditates, contemplating some new and splendid promised land that has suddenly appeared on its horizon. It has its nights of slumber; and it is one of the poignant anxieties of the thinker to see the human spirit lost in shadow, and to grope in the darkness without being able to awake sleeping progress. -- Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. -- George Santayana, “Reason in Common Sense”, The Life of Reason

Yesterday I met with Kyle the Controller and Susan the CFO regarding my reconciliation. They both seemed pleased with my progress but anxious for a resolution and to see whether or not the problem is what they think it is. I think we came up with a couple of good solutions for segregating void and reissue checks in order to make future reconciliations easier.

I took my lasagna to work and will do so again today. I'm hoping I can save up to around $900 a year by doing this more often. After work, I picked up the Lambda checking account statement and got everything reconciled and up to date. In fact, I'm able to write checks totaling $1,645 to Dallas Intergroup, GSO, and the other groups to whom we contribute any surplus. I am amazed at the progress the group has made in the past several months.

I had a chance to talk to Joe and to watch The West Wing which I missed most of last fall because of statistics class. This morning, I did my own banking and paid the first installment of my Spring 2003 tuition. Now, onward and upward.

:: Kyle 6:00 AM 0 comments
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:: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 ::

reality

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Reality does not conform to the ideal, but confirms it. -- Gustave Flaubert, Pensées de Gustave Flaubert

Reality is the beginning not the end,
Naked Alpha, not the hierophant Omega,
Of dense investiture, with luminous vassals.
-- Wallace Stevens, “An Ordinary Evening in New Haven”

Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible. -- Salman Rushdie, “All-India Radio”, Midnight’s Children

Monday was a normal day at work. I found the missing journal entry but really didn't make much headway in the reconciliation. I decided to try a new approach. After work, I ran by the bank to transfer money from Lambda's checking account to money market and then on to Lew Sterrett for my last jail meeting. The topic was reality, and I disagreed with one of the inmates and said that reality does not suck in my opinion. Reality is what reality is. It's my acceptance of and reaction to it that cause me to be happy and peaceful about it or not. It's all about acceptance and living life on life's own terms.

I didn't do much Monday night but couldn't really sleep. Yesterday morning, I awoke late and arrived at work much later than normal. However, I did complete my new approach to the reconciliation which I'll discuss with Kyle the controller today. Seems they've money scattered all over the place. No wonder it's out of whack.

After work, I ran by the post office to pick up my Russian discount cigarettes and by Lambda to reimburse Stu but he'd not yet left his receipts. I came home and called him and called Joe about taking money for phone lists without leaving receipts. I talked to Joe a while and then decided to cook. I made a great Artichoke and Spinach Lasagna and some garlic bread.

I had another vivid dream last night. What I remember is sitting in some type of bar like that at Dave and Buster's with odd people from my past like Keri, a friend from high school, Steve, a fraternity brother I wasn't really fond of who was pretentious and IFC President, and some people from Accountemps. It turns out we must have been pledging some sort of co-ed fraternity but we we were all the age we are now. Some tall basketball-playing lesbian had us run shots. I wasn't sure what to do since I don't drink. I told them I could run them but someone else would have to drink them or I could run shots of water. Then at the end Molly Ringwald came along with her new TV program and she was a lesbian, too. Weird.

I wrote to Joe yesterday about my message to the universe last May. He seemed to be glad that I shared it. I really don't know the reason for sharing it with him, but one thing I am enjoying is dating with no agenda. I don't know that I've ever dated someone without the expectation of it becoming something other than what it is right now and enjoying the present. I can see now in my past behavior a need to HAVE a boyfriend, husband, partner, whatever you want to call it as proof to others and myself that I am wanted and desirable. That's driven by lust, insecurity, and a desire to possess and is not fair to the other person or to me. This need not be anything than it is, and that's OK. Taking the expectation out of it also removes a lot of the stress for me. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me and is good to realize.

:: Kyle 6:23 AM 0 comments
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:: Monday, January 05, 2004 ::

rest

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Sleep, nature’s rest, divine tranquillity,
That brings peace to the mind and chases far
All care; that soothes our breasts by daily toil
Over-wearied, and prepares for labor new.
-- Ovid, Metamorphoses

Sleep is a reconciling,
A rest that peace begets.
-- Unknown, Weep You No More, Sad Fountains

We must rest here, for this is where the teacher comes. On his desk stands a vase of tears. -- John Ashbery, “And You Know”

Yesterday was a day to rest and relax. I awoke rather early and emailed Joe about the dream I was having. I didn't know what it's about, but there were all these sitcom families like Dick Van Dyke's moving from one home to another and in each case the mother's mother lived just a couple of houses down. I think one of the neighborhoods was in the middle of some kind of amusement park, too. I remember there being lots of big trees in one and something about notifying people that they had to move and not being sure whether or not the old people in the houses were still alive because nobody had seem them in a while and their cars hadn't moved. Very bizarre.

Still, I awoke thinking of Joe. He is very easy to be with and very considerate. I enjoy being next to him very much. I just wanted him to know that he needn't apologize to me or prepare me for anything -- the way hes dressed, his truck being messy, or talking about what's ailing him. I understand because I tend to do the same thing, or at least I used to, but I don't as much anymore. Kind of like what Kimberly had told him about me, what you see is what you get, for better or worse.

Still, and this could just be my imagination, but I feel like he may have reservations about something like he is afraid, perhaps of being hurt or perhaps of hurting me. I don't know. I tend to dismiss these kind of hunches and give people the benefit of the doubt because I can't read people's minds, but with him, I thought I'd say something. I just wanted him to know that I think he's a very fine, admirable, and attractive man and that I appreciate all the time he's given me this past week particularly in light of the fact that he's still recuperating. Enough said.

On Friday, Mike and Bruce had asked if I would share my story at Sunday Morning Live. I had little time to prepare or worry, but it's my story, so it's kind of hard to mess that up. It went fine, and there were plenty of friendly faces in the room, but I felt a little scattered and kept forgetting things, so I had to backtrack a couple of times. Anyway, I made it through and several people came up afterwards to thank me and to tell me what they had gotten out of it.

When I arrived home, my Realtor David had called to say he'd prefer to reschedule our meeting to go look at houses and condos since it was cold and wet outside and he was on the verge of getting sick. I called my sponsee Charlie to schedule our dinner meeting to go over Step Two and called Joe to let him know we weren't going to look at houses that day. Then I settled down in bed to read more of The Jesus Incident by Frank Herbert. I ended up taking a little nap as well.

Later, Charlie and I met at the Black-Eyed Pea for dinner and caught up and completed Step Two. I decided not to go to Birthday Night at Lambda and instead came back home to read and relax. My friend Tom W called and asked if I could meet him for coffee, but I declined since I was already in bed and waiting for Joe's call. He had received his twelve-year chip last night, and Tom M had received his new one-year chip. We talked for a while, and I called Tom M later to congratulate him. A very good day indeed.

:: Kyle 5:07 AM 0 comments
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:: Sunday, January 04, 2004 ::

connection

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect, and the beast and the monk, robbed of the isolation that is life to either, will die. -- E.M. Forster, Howard’s End

No one lives in this room
without confronting the whiteness of the wall
behind the poems, planks of books,
photographs of dead heroines.
Without contemplating last and late
the true nature of poetry. The drive
to connect. The dream of a common language.
-- Adrienne Rich, "Origins and History of Consciousness" in The Dream of a Common Language

Until, accustomed to disappointments, you can let yourself rule and be ruled by these strings or emanations that connect everything together, you haven’t fully exorcised the demon of doubt that sets you in motion like a rocking horse that cannot stop rocking. -- John Ashbery, “The System”

Yesterday was a very fine day. I went up to my men's AA meeting which Neal led on powerlessness. At the end of the meeting, I announced to the group that we had finally met our prudent reserve, had a reserve for three years' property taxes payable, and were finally going to be able to contribute to Intergroup, the General Service Office, and the other places we give any surplus. That has truly been a miraculous experience to see the improvement in the group's finances, and it's such a pleasure to be able to deliver good news instead of being the bearer of bad as I've been so many times before with other organizations and businesses.

I came home and finished counting the money, went by the bank to deposit it, and then out to Flora's to pick up Aunt Edith's chair that Mom and Dad had recovered for me for Christmas. It looks more beautiful than I ever expected and the fabric looks great on it. I went by the grocery store to have the CoinStar machine count all Lambda's change and to pick up a few items. Then I showered and dressed, and Joe came by to pick me up to go see Mystic River which was great. I had no idea all those stars were in the movie. It was also nice just sitting beside him with my hand on his arm. He is such a sweetheart.

He dropped me off, and I finished picking up all the envelopes, finished all the dishes, and made some dinner. Watched a little TV before going to bed. What a nice day.

:: Kyle 5:09 AM 0 comments
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:: Saturday, January 03, 2004 ::

self-will

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Self-will in the man who does not reckon wisely is by itself the weakest of all things. -- Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound

Self-interest is but the survival of the animal in us. Humanity only begins for man with self-surrender. -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel, Journal In Time, entry for December 17, 1856

Introspection is self-improvement and therefore introspection is self-centeredness. Awareness is not self-improvement. On the contrary, it is the ending of the self, of the “I,” with all its peculiar idiosyncrasies, memories, demands, and pursuits. In introspection there is identification and condemnation. In awareness there is no condemnation or identification; therefore, there is no self-improvement. There is a vast difference between the two. -- Jiddu Krishnamurti, “On Awareness,” First and Last Freedom

Yesterday was a good Friday. I awoke late and a little frazzled, but at work I finished copying all the journal entries I needed except for one I could not find. I input all the detail and got a little further in the reconciliation. For some reason, I kept saying the Third Step Prayer and Prayer of Jabez above over and over for most of the day. I think there are many times when I'm in self-will and don't even realize it. I really want to become more aware of that as it's beginning to happen rather than afterwards when the damage has already been done. God, please help me with this. I went by Lambda and labeled and dropped off some deposit envelopes, picked up my laundry at Sunshine, and came home and got to work on the December accounting for the group.

Joe called and we talked for a while before he was off to a wine-tasting. I worked until nine o'clock and was so excited to see that we've finally met our prudent reserve and reserve for taxes and insurance and can finally begin contributing this month. I know Michael will be excited too. I went back up to Lambda to collect this week's money and went out to eat with the group at Cafe Express. I came home and chatted a while online and then headed to bed.

I'm already enjoying my Saturday. I started the coffee, ran down to the 7-Eleven for some cigs, email replied and just talk to Joe, have blogged, and am about to count the rest of the money.

:: Kyle 6:37 AM 0 comments
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:: Friday, January 02, 2004 ::

beginnning

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

A very quick blog before I head out to work. Yesterday was a very nice relaxing day. I just about finished getting the kitchen all cleaned and baked a Crab Quiche combining two recipes. I put new sheets on the bed and straightened up the front part of the house. Joe came by and picked me up to go to his best friend Scott's house for some chicken, black-eyed peas, greens, and cabbage. It was so good! Plus, we got to curl up on the couch together to watch the American Idol on tour and World Idol TV shows. He is very much a sweetheart.

:: Kyle 6:03 AM 0 comments
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:: Thursday, January 01, 2004 ::

resolve

God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Oh, that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would always be with me, and that You would keep me from evil.

Thank You for keeping me sober today. Amen.

Resolve not to be poor: whatever you have, spend less. Poverty is a great enemy to human happiness; it certainly destroys liberty, and it makes some virtues impracticable, and others extremely difficult. -- Samuel Johnson, Letter, December 7, 1782, to James Boswell

Resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer. Choose some other occupation, rather than one in the choosing of which you do, in advance, consent to be a knave. -- Abraham Lincoln, Fragment, notes for a law lecture, July 1, 1850

Resolve to be thyself; and know, that he Who finds himself, loses his misery. -- Matthew Arnold, Self-Dependence

I love the new year. It's such a time to throw out the old and begin anew.

Yesterday morning, I received both an email and a phone call from Joe before I went to work. I was able to get all the journal entries copied that I needed to reconcile two of the three remaining A/P accounts at work. During lunch, I deposited most of the December cash for my AA group and dropped off a check and paperwork for the group's new commercial liability and business owner's insurance.

After work, I came home and relaxed, finished off the hot cheese rolls and crackers, and freshened up to head out to celebrate New Year's Eve at my friends Scott and Theo's house. I was so thankful they were having a party because I was feeling a bit antsy for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I had an uneasy feeling that something like a terrorist attack might happen, and I worried about my baby brother Ross being in New York. Secondly, I already missed Joe and wished I could be with him last night. I am definitely heading toward limerance again, but I can't tell if I feel like I'm in love with him or the idea of him. All I know is I want to be close to him. God, please help me enjoy things as they are, remain in the present, and keep my perspective.

At the party, Theo asked us to write down our resolutions and put them in an urn. Afterwards, we each drew out a piece of paper and read them aloud for the group to guess who made them. I'd not thought of any beforehand, so here's what I wrote:

* I resolve to think more often of others than myself.

* I resolve to have a date on New Year's Eve 2004.

* I resolve to attempt something completely new.

Theo was pretty good at guessing which ones were mine, but we never figured out who had resolved to get laid by every guy at the party. I made it until midnight when we all hugged and blew our horns and welcomed in the new year. I returned home to find a voicemail message from Joe who called shortly after midnight but had already gone to bed. I can't wait to hear from him and see him today.

Last night and this morning, I thought of some other resolutions I'd like to make. Here they are:

* I resolve to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding through daily prayer and meditation.

* I resolve to look for opportunities to be of service to others.

* I resolve to exercise three times a week in 2004.

* I resolve to have Lasik surgery in 2004 and be done with my glasses.

* I resolve to weigh at least 170 pounds by the end of 2004.

* I resolve to have a 43" chest, a 31" waist, and 15" arms by the end of 2004.

* I resolve to complete the Certificate in the Quantitative Analysis of Social and Economic Data with a 4.0 GPA in 2004.

* I resolve to successfully pass the GRE and to apply and be accepted to an advanced degree program in 2004.

* I resolve to learn a foreign language in 2004.

* I resolve to pay off all debt on my Capital One, CITGO, Household Bank, Sears, and Target Visa cards by the end of 2004.

* I resolve to begin tithing by the end of 2004.

* I resolve to save more for retirement in 2004.

* I resolve to buy my first home in 2004. (This one makes me a little nervous)

* I resolve to increase my income in 2004.

* I resolve to answer and return all phone calls in 2004.

* I resolve to call and make plans with at least one friend a week in 2004.

* I resolve to approach and begin a conversation in person with at three attractive men I don't know in 2004.

* I resolve to ask at least three attractive men out on a date in 2004.

* I resolve to blog every day in 2004.

* I resolve to write a new poem in 2004.

* I resolve to do something artistic and creative at least once a month in 2004.

* I resolve to cook more often for myself and others in 2004.

* I resolve to have a party in my home in 2004.

* I resolve to end 2004 happy, joyous, free, and sober.

There they are. I need to remember that it's spiritual progress, not perfection, that matters, but all these resolutions are definitely possible. All I need now is to take action. Happy New Year everyone!

:: Kyle 6:26 AM 0 comments
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